Recently it seems like I can’t catch a break. With in the last five days have received several pieces of bad news. Each bit of news come hit a little harder than the last. It doesn’t help that I’m tired, at times hangrey (anger induced from hunger…it’s a real thing I promise), and my team is serving and pouring out in a spiritually heavy place. So many things to think about so many things to process. As I share piece after piece of news with my team I amazed at the depth of how well they love and how much I am failing to answers their questions (not that I need to have all the answers but it would be nice right?).
So today with the final piece of news, my grandmother is dying/will die soon…any day now soon. I I took the day off of ministry to think, pray, worship, and talk to God. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to answer the questions. I don’t even know if I know what I want. Here are my choices. Stay here on the World Race, in India, and support my family from halfway across the world or go home for short time then return to the field. I have literally been thinking and praying about this all day. I even made a pro con list.
My heart desperately wants to go home. To grieve and to be with my friends and family. To see people I know will know exactly what to do and say to make me feel better. To be in my own space. To drive my car (I do all my best processing/thinking/grieving in my car). To have a brief intermission to this crazy thing I have decided to do. Then there is part of me that says stay. Stick it out. It won’t be hard forever. It tells me it is too expensive. That is it is selfish to leave, even though it is temporary. I am not the first Racer to have a family member die on the Race. I’m not even the first one to have it happen on my squad. Even knowing this I have no idea what I’m going to do.
Do I stay or do I go? I have gotten no clear answer as of now. I don’t even know if I will get one. I could very well come down to a coin toss or rock paper scissors. I do know that I have to decided in the next 48 hours.
Would you all please pray with me and for me as I make this decision? Please pray for my family as they grieve the loss of a mother and grandmother. Please pray for comfort and peace through the holiday season as it will be a very different one without her. Please pray for my Grandmother, her name is Janice, from what I know she has been unconscious for a while now but if there is anything in her that is afraid of what comes next that God would fill her with peace as He carries her into his Kingdom.
