As a lot of you know that I have been struggling over the last 48 or so hours to make a decision as to go home for my grandmother’s funeral or to stay here in India. This has not been an easy choice but I have decided. I have decided to go.
First let me say a HUGE thank you to every single one of you who prayed for me during this time. Your prayers of peace, for me to hear God’s voice, and for wisdom were not in vain. While I wrestled with making this decision I felt so much peace. Second let me just take a minute to brag on my team, my squad leaders, my squamates, and my ministry contact Julie. You guys, these people love so well. They have prayed over me and for me, they have given me my space, they have sent me encouraging messages, and they have loved me so well. Thank you all for support and your love.
Now…my decision and how I made it.
Sunday afternoon I took the day off of ministry. I sat outside on our beautiful balcony and prayed, worships, talked, listened, and just say with Jesus. I had no idea what to do or what I wanted to do. Instead of telling my what to do the Lord just comforted me. Each time I would ask Him what to do He just quieted my thoughts. So I sat and let Him hold me while I cried and whispered prayer for everyone heavy on my heart. Eventually I ended up just sitting there on the balcony saying nothing, doing nothing but just being with the Lord…and then I took a nap (emotions are exhausting). I was then able to that amazing rambling blog last night. Finally able to put some words to my jumbled up thoughts.
As I woke up this morning I still had no idea what I was going to do. Yesterday in my time with the Lord I didn’t get an answer but I did get a feeling that which ever way I decided there would be peace and blessing. So it was really awesome to wake up to this comment on my blog from one of my awesome squad leaders Jenn,” I’m praying for you, Jess. I just have this overwhelming sense of peace that the Lord is going to bless you no matter what decision you make. He has goodness for you on either side.” While it was so awesome to get confirmation on what I was feeling from the Lord I still didn’t know what I was going to decide. Then tonight happened. Tonight during worship with at Covenant Worship Hyderabad I felt like I needed to go and sit down away from everyone. During this time I prayed again for wisdom and the Lord took me into this incredible time of remembrance of my Grandma. Again not giving me any answers but filling me with peace. Once my team was back I read another comment from Aunt Anita. I really liked the part where she said “ it’s not just a one-time act of attending a funeral or not attending a funeral – it’s the way all your life you’ve loved, you’ve cared, you’ve honored people” because honestly that is what I have been debating. It’s not about the funeral. It is about the life and I’m choosing to remember and honor that life with my family and at home. I will miss being on the Race for sure but this is what I have to do.
Please pray for travel mercies as I fly home. Please pray that my time home would be restful and rejuvenating. Pray I would see the people I need to see and do the things I need to do and come back to the Race with fresh eye and renewed spirit ready to jump in head first.
