When we first landed in Bucharest at the beginning of this month, we landed in one of the worst thunder and lightning storms I’ve ever seen. Not to mention that there was a woman in the back of the airplane screaming outside the window in Romanian and being restrained by her travel companion….yes, pretty freaky. I had heard from other missionaries that there was a lot of darkness in Romania, so I expected spiritual warfare, but it wasn’t what I had imagined. To some of you, this may come as a surprise, but I have found myself in a storm this month. Yes, you see pictures of me smiling, blogs about us enjoying our ministry, videos of laughter… but the truth is this month has been very difficult for me. I had found myself in a wild storm.
It was a storm comprised of exhaustion (physical & emotional), a storm comprised of mixed emotions for my team, a storm of difficult conversations, a storm of identity issues and how I fit into the group, a storm of loneliness inside even though I’m surrounded by people 24 hours and day! My storm was bad. I was dealing with so many emotions…I was weary, confused, anxious, and upset. So many times had I prayed and asked God to fix the problem. “God, please help the relationship with my teammate” , “God, please give me your strength” , “God, please just make the loneliness go away!” “God, where are you?! Don’t you care about me? Speak to me and tell me what to do!” But nothing….just silence. Then the storm got worse. I found myself not wanting to be here at all. It hurt too much to be going through this. Finally, I heard God speak to me.
“That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, ‘Quiet! Be still!” Then, the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”
God really showed me so much in this story. At this point the disciples had already witnessed AMAZING miracles by Jesus…they saw Jesus show forgiveness, heal the sick and drive out evil spirits. But right before Jesus and his disciples went out on the water, Jesus was teaching them about the kingdom of God and about faith.
Jesus taught the disciples in theory, and then he took them out to test them.
What really caught my attention about the story, and this is the first time this part of the story came to life for me, was the part that Jesus was in the stern, sleeping. Yes, Jesus was there, in the boat, sleeping….AND ON A CUSHION!!!! Yes, Jesus was comfortable!!!! In the midst of this terrible storm, Jesus was just fine with the situation.
I realized that God had been testing me and allowing me to go through this storm. He was silent on purpose and he was comfortable with the examination! I had seen God work in so many powerful ways during this past year, specifically with preparations for this trip. I had seen God perform so many miracles already in my life and now He was putting me to the test. Is my faith genuine? Do I trust him for who He is and not just for what He does for me? God speaks to us in many ways….even in silence. The silence tests the authenticity of our faith. So while God remained silent to me during the midst of my storm, He was still there, He still had a purpose, and He was at work inside me… God isn’t out to make me comfortable or to keep me the way I am. He is out to change me and make me more like Christ. That takes His awesome work inside me….and that sometimes looks like a storm.
