I’m
always on the run.
I
quit softball because in 8th grade I wasn’t as good as the high
school seniors. I thought they talked about me. I wasn’t the best so I quit.
I
quit volleyball until there was a new coach because she wanted me to be a
setter. I didn’t think that I could do it and I didn’t want to disappoint her
so I quit.
When
things went wrong with roommates I never talked about it with them I just moved
out. Leading to six houses in 4 years.
In college, yea, I went on dates, “talked” to guys, and hung out. Things could
have been perfect but the second they wanted to talk about a relationship I was
out of there.
I
never truly put my whole heart into something because I was scared and always on the
run.
I
was scared of..
…disappointing
someone
…not
being the best
…rejection
…conflict
…commitment
…
the what-ifs
…the
unknown future
You
name it and I was scared of it.
Heck,
I came on the World Race to run away from my “problems.” You want to know how
much that worked out?!? Not at all. I actually found out that I had more
problems than I could even see. All the things I said I was scared of I didn’t
know I was scared of until I was standing somewhere in another country with no
where to run. Isn’t that funny how that worked out. I really do think that God
has a great sense of humor.
The
first three months of the race I was carrying around the fear of
disappointment. I thought that I was going to disappoint God, my teammates,
squad leaders, and myself. How can I disappoint God if He already knows what I’m
going to do? (Romans 3:23) Truth is that I am going to disappoint people and
people are going to disappoint me because we are human. I had to learn to give
grace to others and to give grace to myself. Otherwise I was going to be
walking around trying to please everyone. Again I’m human. (Colossians 3:23)
Month
4 and 5 made me realize I was scared of not being the best. I noticed that a
member of my team and I were a lot alike. We both liked the same sports, super
competitive, loved children… but she’s more outgoing. I compared myself and
said that she was better than me. So instead of loving on the children just as
much I let her have them, so to say. All running away did was break my heart. I
realized there are going to be things I’m not the best at and you know what
that’s okay. I’m still going to go for it and give 110% because I love it.
Month
7 I tried to run away hard. A teammate and I got into an argument and I lost
it. I had had enough. I walked out of team time, didn’t come back to it, and
sat up against a wall in Mozambique (a country most people have never heard of)
with nowhere to go. I couldn’t get in the car and drive somewhere. I couldn’t
go to the gym and release my frustration. Heck, I couldn’t even walk down the
street alone. I couldn’t call someone to come get me. I just had to sit there
fuming. In the states, I have left and not talked to or seen that person for a
while. I wanted so badly to run away that I made the team leader call the squad
leaders because if something didn’t change I was on the next flight home.
Clearly, I’m not home so something did change. I couldn’t run away for a
change. After a day of cooling off we talked it out and looking at our team
from the outside you would have no idea that had happened.
Here
we are month 8 and God’s teaching me so much, but I’m still trying to run away.
One thing I’ve shared with my team is that I’m scared in 3 months that will be
it. Eventually we’ll move on with our lives and not keep in contact with each
other. As many times as they’ve told me it’s not going to happen it’s hard to
believe, even though I really want to. I noticed that I wasn’t emotionally
pressing into my team because I felt like it might hurt less that way. I was
scared of the unknown. I was scared to commit to something I wasn’t sure was
going to work out or last. So I was trying to emotionally run away if I couldn’t
physically.
After
the mountain with our squad leader, Nathan, the Lord just revealed so much to me and showed me
what I had been doing for so long. I’ve realized that running away hurts more.
When
does the running stop? Where does it end? RIGHT NOW! RIGHT HERE! March 5, 2012
in Manzini, Swaziland. I’m done running away from the things I love to do and
the people I love and care about.
I
love sports too much to quit.
I
love my teammates too much to give up on them or let them go.
I
love the Lord too much to keep running away.
No
longer am I the runaway child.
