I messed up.
Not a little screw up, brush the dirt off your shoulders, and it’s all good.
I messed up big time.
Every time I feel my head slowly come up out of the quicksand, I’m sucked back in.
I feel crippled by fear.
Fear that maybe this time I messed up too bad. Fear that maybe this time erases all the times that I’ve been used by Him. Fear that if anyone were to know that I’d be labeled for life by something I thought was in the past.
I feel crippled by shame.
“Why would God possibly still want to use me after that?�
As I was lying in bed with my face covered in snot and tears, I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I felt lower than I had ever before. I was battling in my head and saying, “Lord, how did this happen? I’ve been traveling around the world for over 9 months now. I’ve shared your love with people. I’ve told people about your truth. I know that this was wrong. How could I have been so dumb?�
In the middle of the tears, in the middle of the pain the Lord showed me what happened.
He showed me how I was side swiped by the throat.
He showed me how I was daggling in mid-air.
He showed me how I could only manage to cry out, “Lord, help…�
He showed me how HE sent in one of His warriors to push the enemy off of me.
He showed me how HE came in.
He showed me how HE saved me.
He showed me how HE cradled me in His arms.
He showed me how HE put me back on my feet.
That same night was when our squad did a worship session. I was overwhelmed by this fear. By the shame. By the guilt. By everything. I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. They just kept coming. It was like a wall that had been built up finally couldn’t hold back the flood anymore.
“God, why? Why did you save me when I knew what I did was wrong? I sinned against you and you still came to my rescue.�
“Because I love you. I always have and always will.�
In that moment, I was consumed by the presence of the Lord. I felt His overwhelming love take over me. I felt His love pour into every broken part, into every ache, into every pain, and more.
The next song that came on…
“I may be weak, your spirit’s strong in me!
