Reflections

I am wrecked, yes I said a WRECK. What does this mean and why do I say this?

 

      The definition of wrecked is someone that has suffered ruin or dilapidation. Well I say this because the Lord has wrecked my life. I have been redemed, forgiven, pursued, stretched, broken and renewed. When I left for the race I was ready to become everything that i had been struggling for years to become. I was ready to be radical and ready to be able to rise above the temptations of the world. The past six months I have suffered ruin and at times it has hurt, I have wanted to give up, and I have wanted to walk away. But I recognize that this pain, the temparary pain I have felt is just the Lord wrecking my life for the ordinary. He didnt call me to be ordinary or of this world but to be extrodinary and a part of his kingdom here on earth.

 

      Last week was the 6 month marker of the race. It has been an emotional 6 months but I have learned so much about myself. On Tuesday we had a silent fasting day to reflect on what the LORD has done in our lives so far. I thought about the first month in Mexico when I wanted to give up because I didnt know who the heck I was and I did’nt trust the LORD. I thought the LORD just didnt understand me but in reality he was breaking me to become who he created me to be not who I have made MYSELF become.

 

      After Mexico I entered into a journey of slow but gradual change. The lies I believed about myself were starting to all crumble under my feet. The things I thought defined who I was were’nt anymore and the pain that I have carried from different stages of my life was being healed. I learned that if you hold things in and never truely forgive, heal, and allow God to change then you carry that pain with you whatever you do. I carried a lot of pain from broken relationships into the race and God wanted to restore those relationships. He did this through forgiveness. If you have bitterness harbored against someone then you not showing them grace. When Adam and Eve where created they sinned, and we are humans so we sin too. The people who sinned against us or hurt us deserved as much forgiveness as the LORD has shown us by dying on the cross. So through grace and forgivness those broken relationship have been mended in my heart and mind. 

 

      I also carried a lot of insecurties on the race. I didnt believe that God could truely love me. I thought for awhile that I was’nt a “good enough christian” to recieve his unconditional love. Funny isnt it? But that is FALSE. I know I don’t deserve his love none of us do but he wants all of us and loves everyone of us unconditionaly. I started believe this when I took God out of a box that I have had him in for so long. I know that I am beloved and I do truely believe that.

 

      Cambodia was the place I felt God’s love for his children and saw how his heart breaks for his people. Hillsong United (a christian worship band) sings a song called Hosanna. In that song there is a line that says, “break my heart for what breaks yours”. This has been a prayers of mine for some time now. Cambodia did just that for me. I got to help out at a school for a few weeks and at the school there are many children from all over the City. The kids were from all different walks of life and some even had AIDS and were orphanaged. My heart was torn apart for the children and more then anything I felt how much the LORD loves his children. I learned how great of a gift it is to broken for people but how important it is to not be burdened by the gift of mercy.

 

      In Vietnam the Holy Spirit became real to me. In my whole walk as a christian the Holy Spirit seemed so foreign. I didn’t understand how God lived inside of us. And as for the gifts we get through the Holy Spirit, those seemed really impossible to me. How could he…… 

7Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. 8To one there is given through the Spirit the message of wisdom, to another the message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, 9to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, 10to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues, and to still another the interpretation of tongues.11All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he gives them to each one, just as he determines.

 

But I believe it! One night during squad worship in Vietnam words started coming out of my mouth, words that I didn’t understand. I didn’t want the gift of tounges because I heard people speak in tounges before and I thought they were crazy. To my suprise they weren’t or maybe it’s just that I’m now part of those crazy people. The Holy Spirit is REAL. In Thailand I saw a lady who had cancer and we layed hands on her and prayed and she was healed. I have seem people on my squad be healed of various things and I FEEL the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is amazing part of God’s Character. It is the part that gently wispers to us or knocks us on our butts with it’s power. The spirit is the thing in your life that gives you the chills or the thing that tells you not to do things. The Holy Spirit is finally real to me and thats one of the most amazing things I have experinced on this journey.

 

   And I have also learned what true freedom in Christ looks like. Its not about following rules or trying to be the best you can be, it’s about trusting the LORD and loving him with everything you have in you. The LORD will guide you if you ask. He also cared about every detail of our lives and desires to be involved in that. The more I trust him and give my life to him the more freedom I have recieved.

 

      So the last six months have wrecked me. I have cried, laughed, loved and grown. I am thankful what the LORD has done in my life and what he still is going to do. I will trust him with EVERYTHING I have in me. I need to die to myself daily and live for him with everything I have in me. I want to leave you with the lyrics to one on my favorite Christian songs, “Im trading my Sorrows”. Let his JOY be your STRENGTH!