The kind of family i grew up in was anything but ordinary. Fighting was a common bond we shared and I always thought it was normal, that every family did it. We are NOT affectionate by any means. There are rarely I love you’s, hugs, or any other sort of thing that would let each other know we cared for each other. In a typical family event there must be harsh words, poking fun at someone, and a big fight to top it all off.
I dont want to make it sounds like i live in some sort of abusive crazy home because my family does truely love one another believe it or not. I think my family just has a hard time of expressing that love. It was always so hard on my because I knew that it wasnt right and that wasnt how i work.
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I think that the biggest gift that God has blessed me with is a big heart. I hate fighting, people being mean to each other, and many times confrantation because it makes me feel unloving. It has always been pretty easy for me to love people, even those who sometimes are hard to love. I love the feeling of making somebody feel special just by loving on them. I have always promised myself that when i have a family i wont let it be like my family is now. I want to love on my kids so much that they never question how i feel about them and so it wont be an issue in the future.
Anyways through this transformation point that God is doing in my life he is teaching me that I dont let people love me, sometimes even him. I put up this wall because im scared. Im scared that people will know the true me and that when they figured out who then they would go running in the opposite direction. I think how can somebody love me, im a mess? I have screwed up countless relationship with guys beacause my fear of letting them in. When I get to the point of commitment i push them away because the fear of love.
God is shaping me into this woman he intends me to be. He reminds me daily how much he loves me, i mean he did die on the cross to prove that love to me. He is also showing me that I am a lovable person and that its important to recieve that from him and other people in my life.
I was sitting in church on Sunday and couldnt focus, so i decided to pray. I prayed that God would continue to work in my life and that he would teach me how to be loved and what true love means. In that time of prayer I saw a vision of Jesus. He placed his hands to form a heart and he said, “I love you so much”. Just the idea of my savior having such pure love for me gives me the chills.
I will continue being shaped and letting God teach me how to let people love me.
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him shall not parish but have every lasting life”.
