Brokeness isnt a typical thing you hear out of my mouth. I have it all together right? Totally wrong. I want to take you on a journey of my life the last few days.
I am curently in Gainsville Georgia in the middle of nowhere. I am doing training for the world race. 10 days of smelling, fun, life changing experinces. I have learned way more about myself then i have ever known before.
I have learned that i hide behind walls. I do this because i try to protect myself from getting hurt. or letting people get close enough to know my pain. One wall i have put up is having my whole life together. I make everybody believe that I have delt with all of my issues, which is a complete lie. I also put up a wall from being open. I can talk about things that dont really matter but when it comes to things that do im not compltely real.
I have also learned how to grieve for things. I hate crying because it makes me feel weak and powerless. But yesterday i cried more then i have for a really long time. i let all the pain and stuggles of my life out so i can begin the journey of healing them. I cried for all the pain of my dad and his accident. Almost losing my dad was the hardest thing i have ever been through. I have never grieved for this. I pretended for so long that i was ok and i really wasnt. I was a fifth grader who had to grow up a lot faster than i should have and i almost felt like i was robbed of my childhood. But i have let that go. i have this stronge peace about it that only God could bring me. Crying in Lauras arms was the most peacefull thing.In the mist of tears God peace took over. I also cried for my aunt passing away. She is the reason i got serious about my relationship with God. I am so happy that she had such influnce in my life and God used her to teach me. I cried for the people i have let down and the people who have let me down. I have learned that dealing with things as they happen is the key to healing. Letting things linger is a no go and i WONT do it anymore.
Another thing i have learned is about the holy spirit. I grow up in a church that sheltered me from this. I thought that people who spoke in tonges or would fall over during worship or ect. were crazy people. People that “didnt understand” what God intended a relationship with him to look like. But i am totally wrong. I have learned that we have totally shelter people in the church from the truth. The Holy Spirit IS REAL and lives in those who have a relationship with him. I have learned that God speaks through me with peace. When hes speaking to me he gives me peace about the thing that he telling me.
I am also learing how cool it is to really have realtionships through which you have to be completly real and vunerable. My fellow racers will be people who i spend the next year and a few months of my life with. Starting off in these honest relationships is going to be amazing for all of us.
I also want to say that my heart breaks for churches. We have lost sight of what a church should really look like. It is not a place to go and go through the motions and talk about things that dont matter. We need to bring about the real things that i church should be like. Lets take out thepolitics and bring the Truth. We cant live the way we are anymore.
All this stuff i have learned has been through an amazing pastor who was spoken Gods truth more then anybody i have ever known. His name is Ron. I feel like his messages were written for me because it was stuff that i need to deal with. I feel like i can move away from my past and make an amazing future through this race.
So my brokeness is only the begining…God is going to continue to do sweet things, change lives, and teach me how to glorify him. He is my daddy, my abba, and my peace.
