Last semester, I received comments on my papers that told me I wasn’t being personal enough in my writing. My writing seemed superficial and I wasn’t putting all of myself into it. The fact of the matter is, I don’t enjoy being vulnerable. I don’t like letting people know my innermost feelings. I don’t like being dependent on others. However, it has gotten to a point where I have finally broken. If you wanted me to be real and vulnerable, you’re about to get it.
Over the past two months, things have started to feel real for the Race. As the launch date grew closer, I grew increasingly more anxious. I did everything I could to seperate myself from God. I stopped reading my Bible and I soon found myself doubting Him and His promises. I found myself being mad at God for giving me this unquenchable desire to go serve people for Him. He was taking me out of the wonderful life I had here. He was pulling me from my friends, family, and everything that was familiar. I couldn’t bring myself to read His Word. I knew that if I did, He would bring me back to Him and I didn’t want that. I was mad at Him. He was calling me to not only be dependent on Him but also the people who I was asking to support me financially. My independence was not something that I was willing to sacrifice yet. However, this morning I had to complete a bible study for Adventures in Missions. Just as I had suspected, He opened my eyes and brought this flawed little girl back to Himself once again.
The first passage I read in my Bible in almost two months, other than in church, was Luke 6:46-49.
“Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say? I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.”
Just like that, I awoke from my slumber. I had been doubting God’s plan like I had many times before. I had been calling to Him but not trusting that He would do what He promised. He had not changed while I was rebelling. He was still the same powerful, unfailing God and His plan for me remained intact. He was just waiting patiently for me to cast away my fears and trust in Him.
So here I am confessing that I am far from perfect but I will always come back to God. Here I am Lord, unskilled and unprepared, but choosing to trust in you. Send me.
