When I was five, I decided that I wanted to marry my cousin. He was everything I had hoped for in a husband. We both enjoyed building blanket forts in grandpa’s bedroom, he always made me laugh and our parents were already friends. It was perfect.
Almost 20 years later, I have come to realize two things 1) It is illegal to marry your cousin and 2) I still really enjoy building blanket forts.
Sometimes I want to go back to the age when life was simple. The age when I truly believed my prince would arrive to rescue me like it always happens in the fairytales. The age when I thought my first love would be my true love.
The reality is that life hasn’t been a fairytale and over the years I have given myself away… one a piece at a time, to more guys than I can count. The saddest part is that prior to The World Race, my heart had become numb to it. I had already messed up so much… what was one more date… one more kiss… I wasn’t even sure I was capable of getting my heart broken again.
During my month in Mozambique, I read an amazing book called Redeeming Love (which follows the Biblical story of Hosea). In the book, Michael is called by God to marry a prostitute and although she continues to run back to her old life, he continues to pursue her. I realized that this is the story of my life (not that I am comparing myself to a prostitute), but I do understand the desire to run away. The feeling of being unworthy to be loved, not only by a man, but God himself. Why is it so hard to believe that God’s love is perfect. That he is capable of a love that redeems. That he is pursuing my heart… even when I don’t want to accept the love.
The greatest part about being on The World Race, is that God has placed me with a group of extraordinary women, many of whom have been through similar struggles with guys. As we press into each others lives, my understanding of God’s love and my hope of him one day bringing me a man who will love and pursue me are slowly being restored.
This month, our team has adopted a practice of praying for our future husbands each night before bed and last night during our family time, we decided to make lists of the specific qualities we want to continue praying for. This is not my complete list, but you will get the idea…
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A Man After God’s Heart:
Love’s God more than he loves me
Possesses spiritual wisdom and maturity
Reads the Bible daily, out of a love for the Word…not out of obligation
A spiritual leader and a prayer warrior
Surrounds himself with other Christian men / mentors
A Man After My Heart:
Still pursues me… even after 50 years of marriage
Views marriage as a partnership / joint-decision making
Good encourager / not critical or controlling
Physically affectionate
Makes Me Laugh
His Character:
Gentle in Spirit and Tongue
Humble / Not prideful
Passionate about people / Outgoing
Spontaneous and Adventurous
Wise with money – understands the importance of tithing
Family always comes first
Always seeking self-improvement
We Share The Same Dreams:
Desire to Live/Work International
Heart for social justice and the oppressed
Passionate about working with youth
Wants to live a life of hospitality (inviting others into our home)
Values education / Working hard to pursue goals
We Share Similar Interests:
He must like country music and the ability to dance is a plus
Enjoys the Outdoors (Hiking, Boating, 4-wheeling)
Must Love Animals
Is it ok to pray for a man who sings and plays the guitar?
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Scripture tells us that God wants to give us the desires of our heart, but I also believe that as I grow to understand God’s love, his desires will become my desires. Therefore, it is likely that this list will change. For now… all I can do is pray. I will not be searching for my future husband, because I am confident that God will bring him to me when I have grown into the women God wants me to become. My only hope is that my future husband is out there somewhere, praying for me as well.
