That title may give a wrong impression, but give me a chance to explain who I’ve been, who I am, and who I want to be.
In November of 2011, I began an amazing and difficult journey. It had been over six years since I last cried and I was hopelessly stuck in depression. A friend of mine had asked me to try this program a year before, but I made excuses and didn’t think it could do anything for me. After seeing the transformation of someone else and knowing two other people who were going, I decided to try it out. It was like nothing else I’d ever experienced. Pathways (createagreatlife.org) is an experience-based emotional intelligence training. (You can check out the website for more information)
I walked into that training room and I was numb; I wouldn’t let anything really touch my heart. The first night felt like a whirlwind just trying to get used to how this training worked. On Saturday afternoon, I broke. My ultimate goal going into the weekend was just to cry (which changed by Sunday). The thing that astonished me was what broke me. It wasn’t talking about the sexual abuse or being neglected. It wasn’t about growing up without a dad. No, it was one question. I had really been struggling with what my small group was talking about because I couldn’t think of very many things I’d done to others that I wasn’t proud of. I’m a people pleaser and don’t fight with people. So I got pulled aside and after trying to come up with something else I’d done to hurt someone, this woman switched gears.
What about you? What have you done to yourself that you aren’t proud of?
Here’s where I broke down sobbing. I don’t think I even answered her question, but she got me to recognize something huge about myself. All of the hurt and brokenness I’d experienced, I was turning back on myself. Any negative feeling I had, I turned inward. I didn’t yell at someone when I was pissed, instead I degraded myself. Nobody likes you. Why are you even trying? You’re so annoying. I had no self-worth and no hope that my life would ever change.
I made huge strides in accepting and loving myself as God made me to be during this training. At Pathways you get a contract which is a statement of who you are at your core. My contract is I am a free, worthy woman who can do whatever she wants and FEARLESSLY trusts God has awesome plans for my life.
Then in July last year, I was really struggling again. I felt completely alone, but that’s why God created technology, right? Anyway, so one night I was on the phone with a close friend of mine and she asked me Why are you beating yourself up left and right? Again, I broke because of one simple question. It showed me I still really hadn’t dealt with how I hurt myself more than anyone else.
As a self-proclaimed people pleaser, I can commit to a million things and follow through every single time when it’s for someone else. When I commit to something for me and don’t commit to someone else to do it, I rarely follow through for very long. This brings me to the title of this blog: When am I going to matter enough? I’ve been asking myself this the past couple of days because despite all of the growth I’ve done in the last year and a half (and it has been A TON) I still don’t matter enough. I have all of these dreams and goals, but I make very little progress on them. I could say it’s because I’m not disciplined, but I know without a doubt I would be able to do it for someone else.
I don’t have a solution to this problem, but it’s something I will be working on in the coming months as I prepare for the Race. Please join me in prayer for God to mold and prune me during this time.
Psalm 25: 20-21
Guard my lifeAO)” style=”font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;”> and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refugeAR)” style=”font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;”> in you. May integrityAS)” style=”font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;”> and uprightnessAT)” style=”font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;”> protect me because my hope, Lord, is in you.
