Since I went home I have felt stuck about where to go next year. Stuck between the should and want. My entire life has been about the should, but is this the time to really make a stance against what the world says I should do? I want to do missions or ministry at least for a while and I am sure of the fact that God has called me to something within that, but I don’t know when or where or what. Yet, I’ve fought that call so often that I’m stuck about that too. I feel like I should spend the year(s) between undergrad and grad school making money and being a responsible adult. I have a lot of loans AND a car payment. I have more schooling, which may be some more loans. In my heart, I’ve already decided that I want to go on the World Race. I want to find my special place in India. I want to help victims of sex trafficking in Thailand. I want to bring light to Ireland. I want to play with children in Cambodia. I want to serve. I want to be recklessly surrendered to God. I want to be broken down and built up stronger. I want to live in a community, even though it’ll be hard.
But….
I’m terrified. I dream and research and plan for things like this all the time, years before I can even apply sometimes, but that’s it.
I don’t go. I don’t apply or I don’t get accepted. Something insides me whispers, “You won’t make it. You’re not good enough.” Those tapes play and I don’t fight them. I just pretend they aren’t there or get lost in them.
I stop my my dreams from coming true all the time. I dream about it and then convince myself it’ll never happen. I thought that would happen with the World Race, that my decision would be easy because I wouldn’t get accepted. What a load of crap I was selling myself.
But…
God has woven everything in my life together for this moment. It’s no coincidence that at the beginning of November I was given a song called “Dream High” by Doug Stone because it was seen as valuable to where I’m at in my life. Here’s the chorus:
“If you’re gonna dream, dream high
Never let the fear of the unknown be a reason not to try
While I live, let me learn to give what’s mine
And at the journey’s end, know the reason why
If you truly want to fly, dream high”
There are no accidents.
