There is a
battle for my mind, my heart, and even my life. Satan draws me in with his lies
that I have believed for so long anyway. He desires to pull me away from Jesus.
He wants me to doubt. He wants me to remain silent about the redemption God has
done in my life. He wants to ruin me. He wants me to think I havent changed.
He wants me to think I am unlovable.
The father of
lies is trying to ensnare me and Im allowing it, but God is fighting hard for
me while Im fighting hard against myself. This is one of my favorite Psalms:
“Death wrapped its ropes around me; the terrors of the grave overtook me. I saw only trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord: “Please, Lord, save me!’ How kind the Lord is! How good he is! So merciful this God of ours. The Lord protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and he saved me. Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. And so I walk in the Lord’s presence as I live here on Earth.” (Psalm 116:3-9)
The thing is
I know who wins this battle for my life. Its not me and its not Satan. God ultimately
wins; His love will win this battle regardless of how hard I fight it or how
sneaky Satan tries to be. After training camp, I really wanted to seek Gods
face. I wanted to know him face to face like Moses did. The other night I
talked to Marcy, our squad coach/mom, and she pointed out that it may be better to
seek His heart instead of His face. I was so deeply encouraged and on fire for
what God was doing after our talk. By the next day, Satan was hitting me from
every angle and my mind was so clouded I couldnt even talk about it. I felt
defeated, but I was still glad I was here.
Later that
night, I was not glad I was here. I desperately wanted to be back in Tulsa
where I could work through all this crap with a community who knows me well and
constantly challenges me to dare greatly. I know that my squad is an awesome
community of people who can speak truth over me, but they dont know me like my
Pathways family does. This feeling has returned over and over in the last two
days. It is not because I miss home or because I hate it here. I simply want to
figure out this junk, so it can be over. When I stop to think about it though,
I know it wouldnt be any easier with people who know me well. Unfortunately,
this isnt a short-term issue. Its going to be a journey with the Lord for
months, maybe even for years to come. I have no idea how to receive or accept
His love and its not going to happen overnight, but I declare that my Daddy will win my heart as I seek His.
