I’ve been wanting to write this blog for weeks, but I just wanted more clarity on it before I wrote. I wanted to be able to really express how I’m feeling and what God thinks about the topic but after a few weeks, I still don’t know. After a year of time passing, unforgiveness still looms over my head and I just don’t know what to do with it. I let go of it once a couple months ago and it was a powerful moment for me, but I’ve picked it back up. I had to see this person again and quickly realized I hadn’t let go of this situation, of her, at all. To lose someone so close to me was hard and the fact that we’ve never even talked about what happened just doesn’t sit right with me. Unfortunately, I can’t do anything about that though. I have tried to reach out, to reconnect. I have apologized and done everything within my power to restore our relationship, yet I still can’t let it go. So let’s delve deeper into the issue…
For most of my life, I’ve worn a name tag that looks something like this:
Hopefully you realized, I haven’t literally worn this name around but internally, it’s been there since I was nine years old. For eleven years I wore this name. Usually, I didn’t really think about it or notice it, but in November of 2011, I had to face it and get rid of it. I still shudder at the fact that wearing this name is prideful. I’m saying, God what you did for me wasn’t enough. You’re wrong. I’m not forgiven at all. I was putting myself and my judgment of myself above God’s. I may not deserve God’s forgiveness but He loves me and offers it to me freely. Because of that, I HAVE to rip this name tag off again. I can’t give it power over my life and let it dictate who I am and how I interact with people in my world.
At the end of the story of the sinful woman who anoints Jesus’ feet, he makes a beautiful remark. “Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven-as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little” (Luke 7:47). Holding onto unforgiveness steals away part of my capacity to love others well, to love them with God’s love. I have been forgiven much, so I can love greatly.
