For at least the last eight years I’ve struggled through some pretty serious depression. I constantly had tapes running through my head like You’re not good enough. People don’t really like you. Nobody cares about you. I was hopelessly stuck in this darkness despite the fact I had a pretty good life. I made good grades in school. I had a lot of friends. My teachers all liked me for the most part. I was involved in activities at school and at a couple churches. I could write a whole series of blogs about my life as I went from a pre-teen to teen to young adult, but this little bit is just a backdrop so you understand where I’m coming from as I explain how God has been working in my life these last couple weeks (or years).
It started last Friday night when I watched Brene Brown’s interview with Oprah on Super Soul Sunday. I was tracking with everything she was saying until she said, “As someone who studies shame, scarcity, and fear, I will tell you that if you ask me what the most terrifying, difficult emotion that we experience as humans, I would say joy.” My reaction was similar to Oprah’s. What in the world are you talking about Brene? How is joy the most terrifying emotion? She responded with this, “I often ask parents when I have a crowd of 5,000 or so to stand up if you have ever stood over your child while he or she was sleeping and thought to yourself whoa, I love you like I didn’t know was possible. And then in that split second you picture something horrific happening.” Not only did this make complete sense to me, but I did it the next day. I was driving to Springfield to meet up with a couple squad-mates and carpool to St.Louis to meet some more squad-mates. It’s about a two and a half hour drive and when I got about forty-five minutes away from Springfield I was getting really excited. Then I thought What if I get in a wreck and don’t make it there? Boom. Joy is gone. Brene goes on to say, “When we lose our tolerance to be vulnerable, joy becomes foreboding. So what we do in moments of joyfulness is try to beat vulnerability to the punch.” This talk completely blew me out of the water (and that was only about five minutes of the forty).
On Saturday, as I already explained, I went to meet up with some squad-mates. That night we had a little impromptu worship. As I sat on the floor, I realized I didn’t feel anything. I started praying a little bit and felt like God was telling me it was okay to rest in Him in that moment. It didn’t feel like resting to me though, it felt like nothing. This really threw me for a loop, especially when I’ve been working on feeling more and identifying those feelings for the past few months. I texted a couple friends about how I was feeling (or the lack thereof) and tried to move on with my night, but it continued to haunt me the next few days. I just didn’t understand why I felt nothing.
On Wednesday, I went to my university’s Worship on Wednesday (WOW) service and the speaker talked about God’s will for our lives. He used 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. I really enjoyed his talk about the difference between happiness and joy. He had come up with his own definition for joy and gave a lot of examples of things that brought him joy. I sat there knowing how much more joyful my life had been in the last couple months and that a year ago my desire for my life was to create a joyful, peaceful, and worthy life. That night I was feeling pretty down about my life though and how much I limit myself. I texted another friend/mentor/big brother of mine and asked if we could get coffee soon.
On Thursday (Yesterday), I had coffee with that big brother of mine. I was still trying to figure out and process through my weekend. One of the first things he said after I explained my weekend was that I may be over-analyzing this. Then he asked me if I could be okay just being still. I immediately said no. I mean it’s not that I don’t want to, but I have no idea how to even do that for more than a few minutes. He continued talking about joy in his life and while he was talking I had a revelation. I don’t know how to approach or have a relationship with God from a good place. I know how to meet with God in suffering and pain. Now that’s not to say I’m not every thankful or grateful for what God is doing in my life because that’s not true at all. What I am saying is that I’ve never been consistently happy enough to experience God from this place. On one hand that really sucks. I mean what kind of life was I living? However, on the other hand it’s amazing. I get to experience God’s indescribable joy and get to use that as my strength. This is a whole new journey…
Welcome to your joyful, peaceful, and worthy life Jessica.
