I know that God is around me always. It is easier to say that than to truely believe it all the time. He is there while I sit here writing this, He is there while I watch tv, He is there while I work, He is there while I am dancing, He is there while I don't feel like He is there at all. There are times when I feel His presence completely and times where I am looking. But since He is always there, it would be obsurd to hide anything from Him. You can easily deceive people as well as yourself, but can you decieve our most High God? No.
Psalm 139:1-4 "O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when i'm far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know what I am going to say even before I say it."
With less than 2 weeks away from taking off on this amazing journey of a lifetime I know all my thoughts/emotions are everywhere. It's an emotional/spiritual rollercoaster right now. People ask how I am doing and if I am ready to go? I don't really know how to respond. I say yes, and act as if eveything is ok, but it is hard. I don't even think that it has fully hit me yet that I am literally giving up my life, comfots, security, friends, family, career, everything I love: myself.
I think I have been hiding this from myself for a while now. It's easier to just be myself, that I usually am and say well, i'm ready for this go-with-the-flow, adventure. (Jessica always says that) But am I REALLY READY? Even right now, writing this, I am getting goosebumps and starting to shake a little. It makes me think about living by the beach and riding my beach cruiser every day. Doing hair and making people look and feel amazing, workingout and eating food that make me feel good whenever I want, sleeping in a bed and showering, being with my closest friends and family that I am going to miss so much, drinking my coffee and eating my oatmeal while I do my devotions every morning. Wakeboarding in the summer, snowboarding in the winter, boating for seafair, 4th of juy on Lake Washington, dancing with my best girlfriends, karaokee and singing our hearts out. Longboarding on Alki beach. Bonfires. Pikes Place Market. Roadtrips. Just to name a few.
This year. Now. I am SURRENDURING. I am giving up all that I am. Surrender in the dictionary means: to give up, abandon, or relinquish (comfort, hope, etc.). All that I have. God has called ME out of my comfort zone, to go above and beyond myself, to live a life where nothing matters but to depend on Him through everything. I know that it will get hard at times where I won't be able to shower for a week, I will be sweating for months at a time, I don't get any alone time (except for with my eyes closed and headphones in), I don't get to eat whatever/whenever I want, I may get sick a couple times (praying against it!), when I don't have wifi, when mosquitoes attack our tents, when I don't want to do ministry, when I want to sleep in my own bed, when I want to wear heals and get super dressed up with all my favorite jewelry and makeup, and so on.
I am praying that the Lord is breaking my heart for what breaks His. I know He has amazing plans in store for me and my team. I am praying for a complete willing heart to live in each country for a month at a time and JUST BE……. I want to be there. No where else. My mind, heart, feelings, emotions are in each place at each time. I don't want to worry about the things at home, what is happeneing next month, I want to be with the people/cultures.
Let my heart be genuinely surrendered and ready.
