SURRENDER
I had had a breakdown in China (when I had no communication with home) thinking about my daughter. I felt something was happening with her but didn't know what and couldn't communicate with her. Just a uncontrollable saddness came over me one morning … that I couldn't explain. While I was crying in China I opened my Bible and God gave me this scripture that day … I read through my tears …
Matthew 10: 37 – 39 Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
I knew when I read this that day … that God was telling me to focus on Him to devote myself more intentionally to Him. I was not to worry about my daughter. He called me to the race to be fully committed to Him.
So, My heart for God and this race was tested in South Africa. While in Hong Kong waiting to fly to South Africa. I got bad news. My daughter was suffering with serious depression. It seemed everything in her life was falling apart. I was worried for her health and life. I cried during the 14hr flight and didn't know what to do. In my panic and pain I felt I needed to be there. I need to go home. I knew there were some people in place at home who were talking to her but she needed me. I'm her mother! I know what is best and only I can reach her.
Once in the South African airport I was getting bits and pieces of information from family and friends on her emotional state. I believed she was suicidal. I felt if I didn't go home to her I was going to loose her. I cried out to my fellow racers for prayer. I told them how I felt that every time I loved something more than God… he takes it away.
I prayed hard and sought advice from the pastors in South Africa. I called and talked to Lacey and emailed her many times. I asked myself …what if I don't go home and something happens to her? What if I leave the race and God and I cant help her? The word surrender had been popping up more often than I could ignore. God kept telling me in my heart and the mouths of others (including my daughter's) that He had her. I needed to stop thinking I was in control of everything and truly believe in Him and His power and authority in my life and the lives of others.. Especially my daughter's life.
So I made the decision to stay on the race. I surrendered my daughter and control to God. It was the hardest thing I had to do. Some of my friends at home did not understand this. I felt shame in their eyes as a mother. However I had it on high authority that she would be fine and things would be better for her in the new year. I emailed her all my prayers. I called and woke her up in the morning casting out sorrow and depression through prayer. I told her God was going to bring her direction, confidence, and a new independent beginning in the New Year. I told her to rest in the Lord for the next month (December/ Holidays) until then. I SURRENDERED my control and put my little girl faithfully in His arms.
I ask you … what are you holding onto? There is no feeling like believing in God … When everyone and everything says otherwise … And letting Him be rightly in control!
Completely Surrendered,
Jessica xoxox
P.S. HE DIDN'T LET ME DOWN!!!! In January she was shinning and enrolled in school … She and God are making me so proud!
