(THIS WAS MY VERY FIRST BLOG >>> A LOT OF PEOPLE WERE NOT SUBSCRIBED TO ME YET AND NEVER READ THIS >>>> AND I STILL GET QUESTIONS ASKING "HOW / WHY THE WORLD RACE">>> IT WAS QUITE AN EMOTIONAL (LONG) DECISION)
God had Already told me, as I drove home from work, on NYE (2010) that this year 2011 was going to be a big life changing year. The song "Firework" by Katy Perry was playing on my car radio. Real fireworks were exploding in the sky and He gave me the word "LOVE." I decided "11" was my Love number. I posted "firework" as my theme song for the year on my Facebook wall.
In January 2011, I googled "mission trips." A friend of mine had went on a mission in Africa for a month. My church had also been talking about their mission trips. I had some money in my savings account. I wanted to go somewhere and do something awesome. It had been on my heart for a while. It was my day off and I sat in my bed with my computer and decided I would see what kind of mission opportunities were out there. I was bored and curious.
The "Adventures In Missions" website was the first that came up in my search. They had a lot of different options for different ages, places, and lengths of time. It didn't take but a few minutes for me to discover "The World Race" mission trip. My heart started racing with excitement. Just like when the guy you have a crush on logs online (chat) and says "Hello Beautiful … Would you like to go out tonight?" It seemed so perfectly awesome!
I thought:
Yes … Maybe?
I had been praying for two years for God to rebuild my life and restore my passion. In 2009, I had lost everything I had. I was financially and emotionally bankrupt. I was able to rebuild my life financially but my heart was still waiting to feel again. So when the World Race Mission (11 countries in 11 months) popped up on my computer I was over come with emotion like I hadn't felt in a very long time.
I remember thinking:
"This is it … The passion I have been praying for … A calling to my heart"
I spent my entire day off thinking about The World Race. I was consumed by it. I didn't get out of bed all day. I didn't even eat. I just read everything I could on it. I YouTubed it and watched inspiring videos. I researched to see if anyone had anything negative to say about it … Nothing. I read over all the different options (countries and travel dates.) I spent the first half of my day dreaming. Dreaming of the awesome possibility of me actually doing something like this. Reading the blogs of previous World Racers. I could imagine it, and it felt amazing just thinking about it.
Then my logic set in by afternoon:
Did i seriously want this?
Could I really do this?
$14,800 is a lot of money!
What about my daughter?
What about my life?
Could I just leave it all for a year?
I got out a piece of paper and a pencil. I wrote Pros and Cons at the top. I don't even remember what I wrote under those categories. Except the pros out numbered the cons and it quickly became more of a financial plan. I knew I was in the best place in life for something like this. I was 35, single, and searching for a more meaningful Godly life. My daughter was turning 18. Everything I had, I owned, with no debt. I was finishing school in the spring. I currently worked serving tables which was no binding career. I had been very involved at my church and knew they would support me however they could. In black and white on my paper it was incredibly possible. It made sense emotionally and logically. I felt excited and then terrified all at once. I had spent my whole day off on this… I didn't know what was going on … But it was serious.
I thought:
What is wrong with me?
I'm thinking about giving up everything.
My life is great and I am so blessed. Do I really need to do this?
I tried to give it a few days and see if it would wear off.
I thought:
Im just being sporadic and need an adrenaline rush or something.
I have a history of jumping into things heart first and ignoring logic.
I'm fearless, adventurous, and love spontaneity. This equals danger!
I crave challenge and risk. This is not good or healthy.
I have people and a life here that need me. I have a daughter!
I couldn't let it go though. So I decided I would talk to my daughter about it. If.. "I did GO" …it would effect her the most. She may not even want me to leave her for a whole year. I sat her down and said "I'm thinking about doing something really crazy…. So crazy … I probably won't actually do it" I told her about it " 11 countries 11 months…" Then my presentation went to all the negatives…"I'd be leaving you for a year, We would have to sell everything we have, We would have to be homeless and sleep on couches for the next few months leading up to my trip, she would be left on her own" Her face lit up and without hesitation she selflessly said "Mom, that is so awesome … you have to go! I would miss you but I would be so proud of you!" I was shocked at her comfortable and encouraging response. I had thought she wouldn't like it and then I could just put this out of my mind.
Continued Thoughts:
Its too extreme to be realistic.
I must be missing a rational thought somewhere in my plan.
This is not a good idea.
I need another opinion.
So I called my Mom. She is very logical and clear thinking. I knew if there was a flaw in the plan she would find it and put me back on a stable path. I said "Mom, I'm trying to make a major life decision and I need your advice." I told her "we should get together soon and talk about it." Then I went to work. My mom came into my restaurant that night. She couldn't wait to hear. It was a slow night. So, I sat down at the table with her. I told her all about it. Then laid out all my pros, cons, and plans. Then waited for my very level headed mother to give me more cons and point out the things I'd missed in my thinking. Just like my daughter she lit up saying "Wow!" Then she smiled and said "if I was your age and in your position I would go!" She agreed to spend more time with me looking at the details but she was ready to help, encourage, and make this a reality. I was in shock again. I thought for sure my mother, of all people, would be able to set me straight. Now I had nothing to cling to …. I was falling fast … My emotions were intense… Am I really going to do this? …I need to get a grip!
A voice inside me kept saying:
"YOUR CRAZY!"
This isn't going to work You'll regret this … get hurt … Ruin your life!
This is too huge and risky.
I can't raise $14,800 and still support my daughter.
What will I do when I come back home and have nothing?
After work that night I sat in my bedroom. My bedroom was beautiful. My whole condo was beautiful. I had such nice things. I loved my place. My church was next door. I didn't love serving tables but I made good money and loved the people I worked with. I loved school and wanted to go further and not postpone my real career. I had worked hard to rebuild my life and it was awesome.
My mind was deeply troubled:
Why? Why? Why am I thinking about doing this?
I don't want to let my perfect life go!
I was sitting on the floor of my room looking into a big mirror. My focus went from myself to my beautiful things around me and back to me again. I started to cry feeling the loss of everything I would be giving up. I knew if I made the choice to go, I would never see this girl or this life again.
I spoke to God still looking in my mirror. I cried out loud:
"This is crazy …. I can't just give up everything!"
Then God immediately spoke back …
"It wouldn't be the first time you have given up everything for a man … This time it's ME asking … and I won't let you down!"
I couldn't argue with this. I was surprised God spoke to me and that He was so brutally right! I was surprised that this wasn't my own crazy idea. I couldn't figure a way to get out of it now. There were no more authorities to ask or answers to seek … It was all the same ..."GO!"
The next day I filled out the application online and submitted it. I also noticed there was a possibility I wouldn't be able to go. The mission was for adults between the ages of 21 – 35 and I was turning 36, a few months before the trip. I was on such an emotional roller coaster. I would get excited about going. Then I would get scared and try to find a way out. Then when I thought of not going I would feel heartbroken.
I cried when I got a message on my phone one day after class. It was a guy from Adventures In Missions. He said "I looked over your application but I'm concerned about your birthdate. I'm hoping maybe it is a typo. It seems you'll be 36 before launch and won't meet the age requirement. Please give me a call to discuss this." I put off making that call for a few days.
Then one day I was sitting eating lunch at school and a girl 9stranger)nwalked up. She asked if she could sit next to me. I said "sure" and we started chatting about school and future plans. I told her about the World Race but how I didn't think I'd be able to go because of my age. Then she had to get to class. She packed her things and started to walk off. Then she turned around walked back over to me and said "I don't know you… but you need to go on this trip!" I never got her name and wouldn't recognize her if I saw her again … I'm convinced God was speaking to me, again, through her. I was encouraged and I called AIM immediately. A girl answered. I explained my situation. She was very encouraging and told me to just sign up for an interview. She seemed convinced I wouldn't be disqualified because of a few months.
My Skype interview was on February 9th (I scheduled it 2-9-11 @ 11am on purpose… it all equalled 11) I was excited and nervous. I prayed while I sat waiting for the call to come. I had Christian radio on. I was looking again at my beautiful home and sitting at my dinning room table.
Thoughts:
If I don't go I don't loose anything.
I love my life.
Lacey was laying in my bed with the door cracked so she could listen in. Just before the call … The lyrics of a song "you were made for so much more than this" struck me.
The interview was nothing like I had thought it would be. The questions were spiritually deep. I had to share three defining moments in my relationship with God. This was hard. I cried a lot and revealed some very personal things. Then my interviewer (Darci) asked me some questions about my ability to get along with or take orders from someone who may be much younger than me. I confidently assured her this wouldn't be hard. I had been doing that the last few years in the restaurant I worked in. I am extremely young at heart and can appreciate wisdom in and from anyone. Then the conversation moved to my daughter. She asked what would my daughter do while I was gone? I had this already all planned of course. Then she let me know that my daughter was a bigger issue than my age. AIM had had bad experiences with single Mothers on the race before. She prayed for me. Then said she couldn't give me a yes or no. She had taken notes and would give them to the AIM board to make the decision. I said Good bye with a very heavy and doubtful heart. I went into my room. Lacey was crying "I don't want you to not go because of me." This broke my heart more, for her to have heard, and feel responsible.
The next day my daughter ended up in the hospital.
I thought:
"what if she gets sick while I'm away?"
She had been in the hospital 4 times in the last 2 years. All for different odd illnesses. I had always stayed day and night by her side. The thought of her being sick and without me was unimaginable. She hates hospitals!
I thought again…
"I can't go … I can't leave her."
If I don't go it's fine.
This is a sign .. I shouldn't go!
The next day I got sick and had to go home and leave her. My mother checked on Lacey and came over and brought me food and medicine. Lacey was fine without me and was discharged a day later. On Valentine's Day I got an email requesting a phone appointment. The interviewer (Jessica) was very encouraging in the email. I held tight to the hope in her typed words "I look forward to talking with you!" Why would she look forward to telling me no? It was the perfect Valentine from God.
Two days later (Feb 16th) I sat again at my dinning table. Lacey again was listening in. I was praying to God. I had emotionally, spiritually, and mentally prepared myself for all possible questions. Then the call came through… Jessica said "congratulations, you have been accepted!" Then she began talking about everything I needed to start doing… Support raising… Training camp. I was a little confused and it took a minute to set in. She assured me that if there were any real issues they would surface at Training Camp… it would be my trial period. I knew I was going! When I got off the phone Lacey and I hugged and screamed in excitement!
I then thanked God and realized He knew and tried to tell me (Several Times.) Coming from God, you would think there would be no question. I had allowed worldly circumstances to instill doubts. I had now accepted that I was called to give up every thing, leave everyone, abandon my plans, and surrender my whole tender heart completely to God. He loved me and wanted to show me how much. He had big, romantic, & adventurous plans for me! I wasn't crazy … I was falling in Love … It's always scary, emotional, and takes a lot of faith. However because He is "The One" I just need to learn to totally trust…. No matter what and Stop fighting Him.
I hear Him … I just don't listen well.
This year will be all about God & I. He promised to grow my dependance in Him. He wants me to know "true love" (His love for me.) He plans to open my wounded heart… around the world … Through enabling my Godly gifts (passions) He will provide me with opportunities to do what I love to do. He is ready to prove how powerful a loving relationship with Him is! All I have to do is be vulnerable …. GO … and accept that He has got my life and my heart safely in His will.
The two most important scriptures of my journey …
Jeremiah 29:11
Deuteronomy 6:5
… Interesting that the numbers equal eleven!
