"I still love You"
"I know there is a reason or meaning"
"I feel let down by You … You said You would never let me down."
"please help me to understand this"
"…and don't say the paper one, my girls made, is it."
Then as I journaled I admitted…
I didn't pray every night like I had promised.
I didn't really deserve anything from God.
I was so provided for and impressed by all that He had done in this last year (journey)
My faith could have been a lot stronger.
I'm a control freak and try to control all my romances. I should not do this with God.
Then that afternoon my team and the whole orphanage got on a bus to go to the beach. The bus ride was at least an hour long. While I rode I stared at the sky talking to God still. The sky was like it had been everyday, here in Nicaragua, partly cloudy. It was always 1/2 gray and 1/2 sunny the perfect rainbow conditions. Then God and I had a conversation.
God said "Remember the one rainbow I gave you at the beginning of this month?"
I said "Yes, it was while I was walking around in town. I had taken a picture of it."
God said "Where did you spend most of your birthday?"
I answered "In the same town."
God said "Would you have been happy seeing one there?"
I answer "No, it wouldn't have been beautiful."
After the conversation I thought…
"God must still have a BEAUTIFUL plan for my rainbow…
I will see one before the end of my race… Maybe?"
I was still a bit resentful and doubtful. I still questioned… will it still count as a "Birthday" gift / answered prayer?
When we arrived at the beach it wasn't what I had expected. First I exclaimed "This isn't sand… it's dirt!" The sand was dark almost black because of volcanic ash. There was also horse poop to watch out for in some areas. Then I wanted to go in the ocean but there were huge rocks everywhere and big waves. So I said "I like my skin" and sat at the shoreline and played with snails in the sand. The warm sunshine and salt water was so nice. I was in my element. I remembered on my "bucket list" is to swim in all the oceans. Today I get to cross off the pacific ocean. Soon I was out in the water playing in the waves with Kristen and a bunch of the kids. We had found a rock free area way down the beach.
The waves were big (intimidating) the kids and I would go as far as we could muster up courage and then get swept back in. Then we'd work up to our next adrenaline rush. We fought the waves and tried to keep holding hands. Then we would come up with salt water in our mouths/noses and still laughing. So much fun! Then all the sudden I thought… "I need pictures of the kids and I." So I made the long walk back to the hut (where my bag was) to get my camera. I got my camera and started back to the kids. It was only a few seconds into my walk when I looked up (from dodging the horse droppings) and saw a RAINBOW! Out Loud I exclaimed "There it is! Thank You! Thank You so much!" There was no one else around. I was over come with excitement and emotion. I nervously tried to get my camera focussed.
The rainbow was unlike any I'd ever seen. In my freaking out, I hit the video button instead of camera, and then the rainbow quickly faded away. I stood there asking God to bring it back out. I was so upset I missed capturing it. I watched my video but it was awful. The camera was bouncing around. It didn't look as good on camera either. I wanted a pic to always have and remember. I wanted to share the story and picture with others. My disappointment with myself didn't last long though. I did get some video and my prayer was answered … God does hear me & loves me! The rainbow I had seen was so unique.
You know how when there is a hole in the clouds and the sun's rays come straight down, through the hole, to the ground? I love when this happens. It looks like God. Well, that's what my rainbow did. Except each ray coming down was a different color. It wasn't the typical arch. I spent the rest of my beach time alone with God … Glowing.
I didn't go back in the water or hang out with anyone. I just found a beautiful spot on the beach to watch the sun that was starting to set. I took pics of the sun setting (to my right) and occasionally (to my left) more rainbows would pop back out beneath the dark clouds. I snapped a few pics of these but they weren't as big and brilliant as that first one. I was so filled up with the spirit… Not a care in the world…just feeling an overabundance of joy, thankfulness, and beauty.
it's hard to see this little rainbow but it's there.
Then it started to get dark. So I walked back to the hut. I found my team mates and Pastor Glenn (our contact) I asked them "Did you see the big beautiful rainbow out there today? " They all said "No" So I got out my camera to show them my crappy video. Then I realized just before the video there WAS a picture taken. Somehow I must of snapped a picture with out realizing …or it was another gift from God. (THANKS GOD!)
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(Not as big or beautiful as it was in real life … But I was there… I remember… And God amazingly made sure I was in the right place to see it and had just grabbed my camera. I now have a picture to keep and share forever.)
God,
I Love You so much! I am so amazed by not just my World Race journey but my life testimony. You have never stopped loving me and reaching for me. I am excited to walk faithfully with You for the rest of my life. I just know You have so many great things planned for us. I will always be searching the skies for rainbows and listening to Your voice over all else. I'm eager to share my beautiful "Love Story" with others!
All My Heart,
Jessica
PICS FOR MY SUPPORTERS!!
(WRITTEN IN THE SAND: Nicaragua July 2012 … Thank You)
