You say “let it go“
I’m a processor.
This could be the poetic part of me, who knows?
I am constantly reflecting on things that have happened to me, and how I can grow from them. However, I sometimes get “stuck” looking at the past.
I look at photos and think about how much fun I had, how different my life was, how long my hair was, how painful a situation may have been, how much I miss my friends and family…whatever it may be. I am constantly looking back.
Two weeks ago our ministry contact Peter was asking us about what we left behind.
With every single question he asked, I found it hard to breathe.
I missed laughing with my sister at how dorky our parents could be.
I missed falling asleep on the boat in the thimble islands.
I missed showering (not out of a bucket).
Most of all I missed knowing my identity...
Or at least the identity I thought I had…the identity I created from the world I was surrounded by. The people that I knew and the places I could go. I missed the constant affirmation that I had a good life, one that many would love to live.
And now…I felt completely lost. And was panicking…
Then Peter gave me a tissue to wipe my tears…and said very calmly…”Jessi…Gods plan is better.”
I was desperately grieving New York, being known, all the worldly possessions, and the people that I had CHOSEN to be in my life…I didn’t want to let go.
Then I remembered the scripture:
but lose his soul.”
Peter then further explained that God has a much bigger plan for my life then I can even see. That right now it hurts because I am changing my whole identity. That everything I knew about myself was what the world told me I was, but now I was learning who I really was…at the core. He also comforted me that it would get easier, the more I let go of control.
He then gave me a great metaphor that I want to share:
When I joined the world race…I jumped into the car with God. I gave him the keys and we began the journey. 
As we first were driving away, I could still see New York and my past in the rearview mirror. However, as we drove further away…I started to panic. Everything I knew was quickly disappearing. Then to make matters worse, God was making a RIGHT when I thought He was going LEFT!! Being the control freak that I can be…this caused severe frustration. So as I am freaking out in the passenger seat God is saying “Jessi, let me have control. Do you trust me? Stop looking in the past and let me do my thing. My plan is better and bigger. I am revealing more of myself to you, what more do you want?”
God is not concerned about your comfort, but about your character…
So on April 26th I decided to only look forward.
I am letting go.
