I have created a lonely prison for myself… Each chain linked by my indulgent choices.
My addictions are relentless.
Before the world race I was excited to find freedom from “things”.
Two weeks ago, I sat on a wooden bench on the lowest level of the mall,
barely able to breathe.
It was our off day and we drove 2 hours to the
mall to use Internet and get things we needed.
“Jessi, did you go downstairs? There are so many cute things.” said my teammate Jenae.
I hurried down the escalator and spent 4 hours by myself pacing the
stands. Adorable bow headbands, converse sneakers for $10, cute
dresses, faded skinny jeans, fun iconic teeshirts.
I felt an anxiety coming on and had to sit down. I wanted so many things! I NEEDED these things!!
Shopping helped cure loneliness for me. In the past, whenever I felt alone or sad I would “treat myself” to something that would make me feel special.The desire to feel beautiful
was filled with wearing “cute things”. I felt powerful from affirmation
of others.
This prison was one I created inside of myself. As I sat on the
bench I realized I had an addiction. This explained a lifestyle of no
savings account. Why I earned a great salary, with a full closet, and
yet I stressed over paying rent.
This addiction had so closely intertwined itself into my identity, that to deny myself felt like self mutilation.
But this year is going to be different.
This year I will change.
I wanted to share this challenge with you because I know I’m not alone.
I see what this does to families across the world. I know so many men
and women in New York that work to the point of sheer
exhaustion. How many people are desperately seeking the affirmation of those around them, purchasing
things they “need”, tirelessly trying to keep up to speed with the
latest trends.
Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? Because we are all hungry for more. It’s that same insatiable need
that draws us to God. However, these substitutes separate us. They never
satisfy and they keep us longing for more.
So I decided to purchase NOTHING that day. I decided at that moment to stop believing lies that what I owned defined who I was. I prayed and asked God to reveal to me how He saw me.
He gave me a devotional to share with the girls…
Please see tomorrows blog to read more!
