After the robbery happened…well I just didn’t know how much more I could handle. I signed up for this thing to hold orphans, not to risk my life.
After the robbery, I was really shaken. I praised God for protecting me on the other side of my bedroom door, but I just didn’t know how much more I could handle.
Nothing of real material importance was taken from me, however I felt completely robbed of all joy.
I called one of my friends from home on his birthday and before even saying hello, I began just sobbing into the computer. I don’t know what came over me, but I couldn’t control the tears. I wondered when I would ever stop feeling the way I did. Shaken is the best word to describe it. Shaken and ALONE.
My team was processing this traumatic situation in 6 unique ways. AIM was doing everything they could to help us to move forward. Parents were worried about our safety. My friends from NY thought I was crazy for even considering staying.
I had 300+ voices telling me the right way to process this whole thing, what to do moving forward, and how I should be acting…
I spent an afternoon with our squad leader Krissy and we talked for a long time. I just explained to her how I kept reliving the situation in my head, and I just felt no peace. She played her guitar with me for a bit, and then said I could play it if I wanted. I went onto the balcony, and while teaching myself to play I just closed my eyes and played the few chords I could. I just started making up worship songs and playing random chords…and for the first time…I felt peace.
The days that followed were a mix of highs and lows. Our squad coach Dave and our former squad leader Tara came to help us. We spent time talking, praying, and playing dress up with the fun things Tara brought us. When we had to make our team decision about moving forward to Uganda…5 out of 6 of us wanted to. I spoke out and said I didn’t feel comfortable moving forward to Uganda. I didn’t know why, so I attributed it to fear. However, that night while journaling…I realized it wasn’t fear. To make a long story short…the next day I agreed to go to Uganda because I didn’t want my team to resent me. I didn’t want to feel alone any longer, and I didn’t want to be divided from everyone else.
The next night I talked to Jessica outside because I still felt unsettled about the decision. After praying together, I realized that everything I had been praying about I wasn’t living out.
A) I wanted to be completely Spirit led
B) I wanted to live my life in a way where I didn’t care what anyone thought
C) I wanted to trust God with all my plans
So that night I surrendered. I decided that I was going to make my decision based on what God wanted me to do. Whether it was to go home, go to Uganda with my team in the midst of terrorist attacks, or go to Kenya with or without my team. I would be obedient.
I decided to fast and give up every thought I had about moving forward. I would not care what anyone thinks, and allow God to lead me where HE wanted to lead me. After fasting, I felt I was being led to Uganda. God was giving me a story, a life worth living, IF I was obedient.
So…this week we head to Uganda. I am excited for this next part of the journey, and to see where the Lord leads us. I still have $1,900 left of support raising left, so if you feel led, please join me in helping to restore Africa. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support.
