It’s hard to know where to start. The Lord has been and is doing a lot in me, and I haven’t been able to put it into words, but here's my best shot at it…
I fought the Lord hard core for about 7 months. I fought whether or not he was good, or if he was loving, or if he was even there. I think he was sad about how unsure I was of him, but he knew I needed to get it all out—the doubts, the fears, and the wounds that had piled on top of each other.
Then, somewhere between Africa and Guatemala, my soil shifted. I didn’t want to fight anymore, and even though I didn’t have an answer to every question, I began submitting to Him anyway.
He started talking to me more, and teaching me how to hear his voice. He taught me how to discern and know when he was talking to me. Then, he pressed into my view of him…as father, as loving, and as good. I didn’t really see him as any of those things.
He began showing me more about his love. I didn’t trust it…not for myself, and certainly not others. He showed me I couldn’t really love people the way he intended, because in not trusting his love, I couldn’t give his love.
He told me he loves the people I love way more than I do. The weird part about hearing him say this was that I believed him.
What was really hard next was continuing to believe…continuing to believe he was good and loving, and continuing to believe this wasn’t just a sham, or some weird culture that a group of people created.
Then The Father taught me about faith in a way I had never heard. Now, when I hit bigger waves, he reminds me of the faith he’s given me, and I remember.
The big one he is teaching me now is identity. During month 2 of my World Race I shared my thoughts on this topic with the women on my squad. Basically, “finding your identity in Christ” was the illusive anecdote I heard my whole life, and I stopped buying it. But here I am, 9 months later, still wondering if maybe it could be true. And I think the answer is yes. It has to be.
Honestly, when I say identity, I think what I mean is that I want to know that I’m seen…that I’m noticed…that I’m desired. I think we all want that. We all search for it.
I’ve been talking to the Father about this lately. So are you enough? Can I know you desire me? Can I know you see me? Will that be enough?
I’m pretty sure the answer is yes. But I don’t know that I know how it will look. I know that he is patient, but that he wants everything. He was pretty specific with me about not putting anything or anyone before him, because it’s hard not to.
He also wants me to believe that he will satisfy me as I continue listening to his voice, and obeying. He talked to me about that verse where he says, “Anyone who comes to me must believe that I exist and that I reward those who earnestly seek me.“ He’s given me the word that it is safe to trust him, and that he is good. He’s reminded me that I have faith.
While I don’t feel satisfied in him all the time, and while other things can often seem more satisfying, He continues to remind me of the faith he has given me—faith in my own journey out of Egypt, through the desert, and to Him. Sometimes I feel lost and lonely in the desert, but He seems to be giving me enough faith to stay out of Egypt, and listen for his voice.
I still feel lonely sometimes, and forget that the Lord is faithful, and forget that he desires me, and I still struggle a lot with believing he is enough. But He wants me to claim what He has done in me, and stand in the faith and assurance He continues to give me.
I’m grateful for the shifting the Lord did in me, and I also know that the other parts of this story were not in vain. It was just my story of seeking. I’m not finished, but a different foundation has definitely been laid.
The Lord is continuing to ask me to listen to and trust him. I’ve been in Guatemala at the long-term base since September, and he is asking me to stay longer. I honestly don’t know how much longer he wants me here, but for now this is where I am supposed to be, and I’ll be here until he gives me the word to leave.
To everyone who is and has been a part of this journey- leaders, friends, family, financial supporters, strangers who are reading—thank you, truly. It is genuinely a gift to be on this journey. It is a gift to know people are on this journey with me—reading, praying, teaching, listening. In the most non-cheesy, genuine manner, I am so grateful for the foundation that has been laid in my life, and so grateful that the Father is gracious to give me all of you, and that you are obedient to his voice. Thank you for your love, thank you for your compassion, thank you for your obedience. Be blessed.
Jesse
