I’m not sure there is anyone who would say it’s good to harbor unforgiveness towards others, but in my experience most people aren’t aware of how their reactions to others reveal dark areas within themselves.
The Reminder and Reaction test that helped me understand why I don’t like Christians (See Part 1- http://jessestanford.theworldrace.org/?filename=the-reminder-and-reaction-test-and-the-real-reason-i-dont-like-christians-part-1) follows the theory that much of what bothers us about others is often a slightly exacerbated version of a characteristic we don’t like about ourselves.
If you are interested in gaining some self-awareness, and a few extra points on the emotional intelligence scale, try taking the 3 tests Seamonds offers in his book Healing for Damaged Emotions. (If you are feeling super adventurous, you can purchase the book on Amazon for next to nothing)
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The Resentment Test
- Is there someone you resent or never let of the hook?
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The Responsibility Test (most people in their 20’s or younger)
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Is there someone you blame for an issue or circumstance in your life?
- For example, “if only my parents raised me better, I wouldn’t have this struggle,” If only my professor was more fair I would like this class,” If only that girl or that guy treated me better, I wouldn’t be so scared of relationships,” etc.”
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Is there someone you blame for an issue or circumstance in your life?
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The Reminder and Reaction Test
- Do you find yourself reacting to a person because they remind you of you someone else? If yes, who do they remind you of?
How this gets really tangible
Who did you come up with? Maybe it’s more than one person, or a person from your past, or even in your current life.
If you identified someone from taking the Resentment or Responsibility test, I’m directing you to the blog “5 steps to forgiving someone who hurt you” written by Seth Barnes:
http://www.sethbarnes.com/?filename=5-steps-to-forgiving-someone-who-hurt-you
If you identified someone from taking the Reminder and Reaction test, follow these steps:
- Process and identify what specific quality about the person bothers you.
- If you can only come up with “they just get on my nerves,” then you need to ask yourself, “What about them get’s on my nerves.” Keep asking questions until you get to the root.
- Ask yourself this question: “In what ways do I personally display this same quality?” Take a real look at yourself, and see what you come up with.
- Identify how this quality effects your life. Who does it affect? What about this quality is corrupt or wrong? Where is this quality rooted for you?
- Confess, Repent, Forgive
Speak/confess it out loud to God and to a friend.
Repent (out loud) for judging this person and yourself
Forgive yourself (out loud, to a friend, in a prayer)
Allow Jesus to love you in your weakness.
Receive the amazing freedom that comes from acknowledging your imperfections.
Guess what? Now you will have MUCH more love for people who possess that quality- because they won’t remind you so much of the YOU that you despised.
You may fall back into the quality you so despise- well, you probably will. So, when that happens, instead of blaming someone else, or engaging in self-loathing, go through step 5 again.
I struggle with accepting grace myself, so disliking others is basically my daily trigger to confess, repent, and forgive myself for my imperfections. Then I get to remember Jesus loves and accepts me just as I am, and get to feel the peace of his presence for a little while.
Disclaimer: You might not get answers to these questions immediately. Try praying through these steps, and ask the Holy Spirit to bring anything to your mind that needs to come up.
Important: If you have deep routed wounds that come from neglect or abuse, this is not a process you should go through alone. Find a professional counselor or pastor who can work through these steps with you. Please give yourself grace in the area of the time it takes to process and forgive.
