I'm not actually more selfish than anyone else, but this is what I believed until very recently.
I’m entitled, I think the world owes me something, I’m lazy, I put my needs before others, I think I’m better than others, and the list of my thoughts like this goes on and on.
I remember a boss I had right out of college told me I was an entitled person. She was surely right; I definitely had an entitlement attitude. Unfortunately, her comment made me more self- conscious than anything else, and acting selfless because you don’t want to be perceived as entitled isn’t really selfless at all. Rather, it’s what one of my wise mentors would call “living on the defense instead of the offense.”
This topic of living selflessly has been on my mind for about five years, ever since my boss told me I acted entitled. Apparently she was the first person to verbally confirm that I was in fact a selfish person. So, like any selfish person, I’ve spent much time in contemplative introspection, thinking about my self and my problem with being selfish and entitled.
Tim Keller (Pastor/author/theologian) says the main enemy of relationships is our selfishness. This concept appears to be amplified in western culture where the “me mentality” of pursuing self-interest and self-fulfillment is widely seen and accepted. Interestingly, he says that while it is unnatural to our nature to think of the needs of others first, it is paradoxically the only way we will actually be happy and fulfilled.
Jesus was the perfect example of this. He gave up his superiority, and also physically gave his life to serve all of humanity. Being aware of my self-centeredness and my need to be more like Jesus seems fairly apparent. The problem for me lies in the anecdote to my own selfishness. I think that because I am so self-centered, I forget that it’s in my nature, and that everyone (not just me) is actually inherently self-centered. Rather than remembering my sinful nature, seeking forgiveness from God, and accepting the grace that is free in Jesus, I remain self-centered and engage in a cycle of superiority and self-loathing.
Tim Keller explains this really well
“The gospel message should both humble and lift the believer up at the same time. It teaches us that we are indeed self-centered sinners. It perforates our illusions about our goodness and superiority. But the gospel also fills us with more love and affirmation than we could ever imagine.”
Keller also explains that in order to be able to serve the needs of other before our own, we need more than to know this message in our heads. To serve others well, we must allow the Holy Spirit to make this truth a reality in our hearts. We have to know in our heart that we are inherently really bad off, while at the same time, loved and accepted more than we’ll ever know.
Most of the time, I feel like my Christian walk is about 60% head knowledge, 25% community, and maybe 15% walking in the Spirit. So when I attempt to live like Jesus and put the interest of others before mine, it doesn’t really work, unless I’ve had an exceptionally good day where other people were meeting my needs a lot.
to quote Tim Keller one more time…
“Without the help of the Spirit, without a continual refilling of your soul’s tank with the glory and love of the Lord, such submission to the interests of the other is virtually impossible to accomplish for any length of time without becoming resentful.”
I’m pretty sure this means that walking in the Spirit, and allowing God to love me fully is the anecdote to my selfishness problem. In my opinion, that sounds way simpler than I feel like the process actually is. The disclaimer is that because selfishness is our nature, this process of dying to self, walking in the Spirit, and becoming more like Jesus is a process. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and not struggle with pursuing self-interest just because I found some intellectual insights about this topic to write a blog about. But hopefully, through seeking to know Jesus more and engaging in spiritual disciplines, something will change. And maybe little by little, I won’t have to remember to try to be like Jesus, I will just respond like Jesus because I know him so well.
