I am learning a lot.
I’m learning about myself, my heart, and the wounds my heart still has. I’m learning that the reason I’ve been so angry about God is because in the deep places, I never really knew him, just about him.
I’m learning that I can know him, and that knowing him the way I know a person is possible, even for me, because it’s not a special intimacy only meant for the saints.
And I’m learning that there’s not a lot of learning that I can apply to finding intimacy with God but, there is a lot to unlearn.
Ironically, I was reading a book yesterday on contemplative prayer. It said Westerners like myself tend to try to achieve intimacy with God. We think we should work for it. But working for it doesn’t work, because God’s presence is already tangible. It’s our awareness that is lacking…
…Awareness that is lost from working for it, from trying, from doing, and from analyzing.
I’ve recognized this lack of awareness to be true in my prayer times too. But, for the first time I can remember, I’ve been hearing God tell me things.
So, what shifted? How am I sometimes aware of God’s presence now?
I think it has something to do with surrender…surrender of my rights, my pride, and myself.
I realize surrender is one of the illusive terms we use a lot but, for me, surrender looks like a heart that wants what God wants above all else. And it looks like giving up what I want, even when I want it.
It looks like believing that what God wants is actually what’s best…which requires my pride to die.
So instead of asking God to do things for me, I’ve started asking God what he wants.
My wants still get in the way pretty much every day. But for some reason, God keeps giving me the strength to wait, and to hope. When I don’t hear answers, He reminds me to wait, when I do hear answers, I listen and act.
Right now, I’m acting on something the Lord first had me wait on.
My World Race route has changed. Instead of heading to Thailand with my team, I’m joining a new team in Antigua, Guatemala.
I’m undoubtedly sad not to be with my friends, who feel more like family to me at this point. But I’m hopeful, because what I know is true is that God wants me to have more of his heart—or at least more awareness of what I already have.
And for possibly the first time in my life, I feel like I’m in a place to get over the proverbial “Wednesday” of my life, I’m moving past hump-day.
Usually, I get to Wednesday, it’s too hard, and so I just turn around and go back to Monday. I want to purposefully turn on the path that leads to God, even though I know that I know that I know it’s not an easy road to travel.
So, here we go. I’m excited, I’m hopeful, and I’m eager for what’s ahead.
