I want to either be great at everything, or just not try.
I’m not bad a singing, but I’m not the best. I like to think that by saying something like that, I’m just showing that I have appropriate self-awareness, but really I’m just protecting myself from someone else telling me I’m not good.
Usually when groups gather to do an acoustic worship session, I wish I had learned enough on the guitar to lead a few songs, but since there is usually someone else to do that, I never really tried very hard. However, over the past few months, I’ve taken advantage of my musically inclined friends and their guitars, and have managed to sort of learn a few simple songs.
Well, my team’s guitarist is on a new team this month, so when it comes time to lead a song or two at our ministry, I’ll be the only option.
So, this story is going exactly where it seems to be. A few nights ago, pastor Rodolfo asked us to sing a few songs for the youth bible study, and for a minute, I was actually sort of excited. But then I felt that feeling I’ve always felt in those situations: fear of not being awesome. And let’s be real, once I started playing guitar, it was NOT awesome. There are likely 5 year olds who can play guitar better than I can. Pero, esta bien.
To manage my emotions, I reminded myself of this lesson I’m trying to learn about shame and failure.
It’s not a cohesive lesson that I can say in one sentence.
But, here's gist of it:
[which is that I am not good, and actually quite depraved]
I won’t allow myself to fail, because I don’t know how to deal with the shame.
I can’t handle it.
Unfortunately, pretending to live beyond my humanity makes me untouchable. Which while that is very untrue, I think I’ve made myself believe it for so long, that it actually affects how people view me, and how they treat me.
I seek to live beyond my humanity, which is just a fancy way of saying I am prideful. Unfortunately, the reason we have sin in the world at all is because of pride.
So somehow, I have to figure out how to let all of that go. Recognize I am not perfect, but also that I’m not expected to be, nor can I ever attain perfection.
Playing guitar poorly in front of a handful of people who I don’t know, and who don’t speak the same language as me is probably not going to be the main catalyst toward my brokenness, but it was honestly a step in that direction.
