If you ask me a question about who I am or what I believe, what I’ll tell you is what I’ve been told. I’ll give you the rundown of why I believe what I believe and who I really am inside, but it’s all a lie. None of it is the truth because none of it was believed independently. None of it has been believed because of what I concluded, studied, or prayed to God about.
For years, I’ve been basing who God is off of others worship to Him; off of the knowledge of others; off of personal experience-God bringing me through countless hardships. I was told and so I believed. It must be true if my parents told me. It must be true if the pastor in church said so. And that means that I’m living in the shadows of others; afraid or unwilling to take a step on my own and ask God if this or that is true or false. “What about this, God? What about that?”
In recent blogs, I’ve briefly talked about how intentional my teammates were in discussing with me my beliefs; in discussing with me…me. It was frustrating to me to be the topic of discussion because I honestly didn’t want to question my beliefs. I didn’t want to question who I was and why I am the way I am. But slowly, God began showing me the heart of my team and how loved I am by them. He began showing me how big they are to Him and how useful they are to Him in bringing me back to the beginning of life! And with that, I began to understand how great I am to God Himself. I began to understand that life is not always what it seems. I began to understand that despite my skepticism, God really does have something for me. Something great!
The past few days at debrief in the capital of Moldova have seen two additional and individual discussions with two of my (beautiful, amazing, loving, special, spirit filled, genuine, funny, incredible) teammates in which they unknowingly, brought up the same topic: What does God mean to me? Who is He and why do I believe in Him and love Him? I believe God is a great God. I believe that His patience is perfect: for 25 years, I’ve been back and forth and up and down with Him and He still sees me as worthwhile and He is with me. I feel Him in music. I feel Him in scripture. I feel Him in my teammates who speak life into me. I believe God is a graceful God. I believe Him to be so loving and so mighty. I’ve seen Him move in the past and present and although I don’t know Him as I should, I know Him enough to know that where people failed, He didn’t. Where a comfort was needed and wasn’t found, it was found in Him. When I needed a shoulder or encouragement, He sent it in droves.
And so I ask You God: who do I think You are?! I think You are All. I want You more. I want You for real; for life-not for two weeks. I want to know You, God. I want to know you and love You for who You are to me and not who You are to everyone else. This is my walk with you as I live in Zimbabwe. It is my walk that will declare who You are to me. My walk to a new life in you, Lord.
