G42 has been so good for me; so necessary-even vital-for my walk with God. I've been equipped with tools that can never fail me so long as my choices are in pursuance of God. I'm learning that 'choice' has more to do with my life than I ever thought. I have the choice to choose my emotions- they're not forced upon me. I have the choice to live outside of my circumstances. Circumstances do not determine who I am. How I choose to live through those circumstances determine who I am and I firmly believe that.
Recently, my circumstances have been the line between who I am in God and who I'm not. Let me explain: I finish this program on Sept. 19th- just over one month away. My plans were to go to the Philippines and begin working for an organization there to work with kids living on the street. My plans were set in stone until I found out that the door had been closed and I would not be going there when I finish here. That was three days ago. As of today, August 16th, I have no flight out of here, no destination, and no money to purchase a flight.
I've told people over and over that I'm learning to choose joy over my circumstances; that I'm learning to live outside of emotions and circumstances and for the past two days- I've done a terrible job of putting that into action. Terrible. How can I tell people that and not live it? How am I supposed to help other people and teach them how to live their lives when I can't put what I tell people into action in my own life??
I've tried to figure out why this happened? "Why did the door shut, God? What are you trying to teach me?"
I think that with this situation, there are many things to be learned. The first is that, if I say that I'm going to do something- if I tell people that I'm learning something and putting that into action- then I very well better do it. I am learning to be a covenant man- a man who, when he says something, means it. When I tell you that I'm learning something here, I not only tell you that but I tell God as well and God is going to hold me at my word.
The second thing that I'm learning in this situation is to trust God. I've always been the man with the plan; scheduling, planning, arranging, the man with a backup plan to the backup plan. It's so easy to say "trust God" and I think that we throw that phrase around much too often. What if we're put in a situation where we have to actually do it? What if God closes doors and opportunities to get you to the point where you're completely dependent on Him?
It's scary, really. I'm sure we've all been in situations similar to mine right now and our minds want to go straight into emergency- planning mode, where we're scrambling for ideas, opportunities, doors, windows, plans, threads of hope and our lives instantly become chaotic! All the while, our lack of trust in God is stacking up against us- higher and higher and higher.
The rational side of us is to plan our future, but we're not supposed to live rational lives. We're supposed to be radical.
What if we just sat and listened? What if we closed our minds off to that emergency- planning mode and just listened to what God is trying to teach us? He has so much to say and show us if we turned our minds off and said "here I am, God. I'm yours. Teach me."
That's where I'm at right now. One month left. No money in my bank account. No destination. No flight. If any of you feel like God is telling you something for me, then I'd love to hear it. My ears are opened and I'm waiting.
Know this: my life has become God or nothing. There's no give or take. There's no negotiating. There's no budging from this. I'll go where God leads me, when He leads me, and that could be anywhere. If He tells me to go to Antarctica and teach the penguins, then that's where I'll go. My heart and soul are for God and I cannot and will not live without Him.
