Our last debrief was during the final week of April. It was a time to relax and recharge. We reflected and realized our World Race was already 1/3rd over. The leadership poured out wisdom and encouraged us, but warned us that the next several months would be our toughest. On the night of April 28th, we had a spectacular worship night where the Spirit moved big-time. We spent hours praying for one another, and one of the guys on my squad, Chris, told me one simple word: "Faithfulness." He didn't elaborate or go into detail, just uttered the word. From that moment on, I would begin asking myself "What really is faithfulness? What does it mean to be faithful? How does one be faithful? Who is faithful? Am I faithful? Is God faithful?" The list goes on, but you get the idea.
This month, I am in Latvia again, living in a small town called Saldus, about an hour and a half's drive west of Riga. The month has started off well, and I came here with the the desire and goal to change the way I spend time with the Lord and take my spiritual walk to the next level. One of the ways I intended to do that was to spend more quiet time with the Lord, where I didn't enter into prayer time with any particular agenda. I wouldn't be praying for anyone else or myself, I wouldn't ask God for anything or tell Him to do anything. I would simply choose to spend time with Him in his presence and listen for anything He might say. I've done this a few times in the last month or so, and even though I haven't received any earth shattering revelations, He has spoken a lot of identity and encouragement to me in those moments.
Up to this point, I feel like I could hear God pretty well when He spoke and could differentiate His voice from my voice or the enemy's. But this is where the easy part ends. In my desire to take my relationship with God to the next level, I prayed a really audacious prayer. I said "God, make me trust you more, no matter what the cost." I don't even remember why I prayed that, or if there were any specific reason for me to, but I did. The following morning, I woke up and went straight into prayer. No agenda, no asking or telling the Lord anything. Right away, I couldn't focus. My mind would wander to other thoughts or I became sleepy. I fought to keep my mind on prayer, but it was extremely difficult. I had woken up to sinus congestion and pressure in my ears again and I questioned God "Why haven't you healed me?" I heard "You don't believe in me." I couldn't tell you if that voice was God, the enemy or my own self-doubt, but for the entire rest of the day, I felt like my mind was in a fog and I couldn't get that moment out of my head.
That entire day, I struggled with thinking "Do I really believe in God? Do I trust Him?" The worst part was feeling like God had withdrawn Himself. Whether that is what really happened or not, I am still figuring out as I write. I lean towards thinking that what I felt was an attack, that the enemy is stepping up his game as I step up mine, but at the same time, I think back to 'faithfulness'. If God has really gone silent, choosing to withdraw His voice from me for a season, does that mean He stops being faithful? Has he gone silent to teach me about trust and faithfulness? If He has gone silent, will I continue to seek Him? Will I continue to love Him? Will I continue to trust Him?
Even now as I write, I still don't really know what happened to my fellowship with God, if it even changed, and I struggle to make sense of everything. I fought to keep my eyes on God and His word until something happened. I focused on old standbys like:
Proverbs 3:10-9 MSG – Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God ’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track.(i)
I knew that in my gut, no matter how hard my walk with God became, that I would not turn to anything else for comfort. I don't need comfort, I need God.
Matthew 14:30-31 NIV – But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
I admit, I doubted God and His power. I think that is why I am going through this 'funk', but I won't turn away. I can't quit. I will continue to fight and seek Him through the storm. I think there is a time in every "believer's" life that they question God, doubt His ability and take His faithfulness for granted. But I don't believe that God is angry at us in moments like these as long as we continue to seek Him for truth and revelation.
In what ways do you take God's faithfulness for granted?
