I thought I knew and understood God's love. I thought I knew the Father's heart. I thought I knew what it was like to be free from my sin. I thought I knew my identity and had my issues all under control. Then I went to World Race training camp. It was a week of nearly forced openness and honesty, not just with each other, but also with ourselves. We weren't forced against our wills of course, but was the result of a decision to nurture a sense of community that is demanded by the World Race in itself in order for squads and teams to be successful.
I had forgotten, or possibly never truly realized, how painful the healing process is. Rehabilitation, recuperation, identifying the still festering, tender areas of our lives is not a process that can be carried out with some kind of pain. At training camp, I came face to face with wounds that I had buried for as long as I can remember, and it hurt to go back there. But only in that open and honest vulnerability with God can we allow Him to administer the true and tangible healing of His love… The ministry of reconciliation.
All through, middle school, high school and college, I struggled with feeling like I wasn't good enough… fearful of not being loved. I grew up in a Christian parents who loved me. I was never physically or verbally abused. I had great friends. But I never felt like one of the cool kids, and I wanted to be. I thought having a girlfriend would validate my existence. But a series of rejections took it's toll on my self-worth and I turned to pornography to numb that pain. That addiction and constant avoidance of my hurts went on for so long, that I had nearly forgotten why I turned to pornography in the first place.
God had already begun His healing process in my heart when 2013 began, but it wasn't until I went to training camp that my deepest wounds came back up to the surface. Pornography wasn't the problem, it was a symptom and it took all of God's love and grace to reveal that. I didn't experience visions or mental pictures or any other kind of "mountaintop" feeling… But simple God whispering to my very being: I love you, son. I am proud of you. You are more than enough. Psalm 139 had been my go to verse for much of this year, but it took on a renewed meaning at training camp.
Psalm 139:14 – I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
The enemy had convinced me that I didn't need to talk about my wounds, that I needed to hide my sin and be ashamed of it. In the true community of God's kingdom, darkness is brought to light, not to bring condemnation, but rather freedom. This has been a hard blog post to write, but it is part of the healing process that God is doing in me. I am no longer a slave to shame and guilt. I've stepped into sonship and the freedom it brings with knowing the Father's heart.
