It was a crazy month in Mongolia. One filled with shoveling sheep and goat poop, cutting down trees and splitting wood, wrestling, churning milk into butter and cream, cooking authentic Mongolian meals, burning the hair off dead goats in preparation for REAL Mongolian BBQ, spectacular starry night skies, piercing sunrises, playing with precious little Mongolian kids, herding sheep by motorcycle. No big deal. It's been an all-time month, for sure, filled with wild and memorable experiences that will last a lifetime. The lasting impression from Mongolia, however, is not from physical or visual experiences, but came from a direct encounter and an ever growing communion with the creator of the heavens and the earth Himself.
The last two months have been incredibly difficult. Month 5, I was faced with the reality that my spiritual life was at a standstill because of sin I'd struggled with nearly my whole life, and that that sin was stifling God's ability to actually move and do anything very mighty in or through my life at all. Month 6, God called my girlfriend to pursue her dreams and passions for ministry alone, without me. We broke up, and month 7 in Mongolia, I struggled my way towards trusting God through it all. Once again, I found the Lord thwarting me. He was challenging me to give up all the things that gave me the most comfort and control. I recently talked to my parents and my father said "So far, you've always seemed to be in control. You've had things figured out." The bummer is that he was absolutely right. I had everything figured out… Or so I thought.
After my girlfriend and I ended our relationship, I went searching for God. Sure I was confused, hurt and pretty upset, but I never turned my back. And that in itself wasn't easy. I wrestled with God a lot. He had asked me to abandon something that me, my girlfriend and so many other people thought was a sure thing. I told God "If this is what you want, fine, just tell me what you want ME to do." And he simply responded, "Just trust me." "It's not that simple. I want to trust you, but it hurts. How do I trust you? How can I trust you?" I had so many questions for God. So many things I thought I needed to know. It was a difficult and lengthy process, but slowly, God showed me how to trust. I asked a lot of questions, but over time, God showed me that few of them were actually relevant. He also showed me how knowing the answers wouldn't help me understand his 'when's', his 'why's' or his 'how's'.
In my experience this month, trusting God wasn't a one time deal to learn and be done with. It was more like a moment by moment kind of trust, the kind where you're never quite convinced, so you keep asking "Are you sure?" But I had a hard time trusting God because I kept flip flopping on believing if He was actually good. That's when my fear and mistrust was crushed under the weight of His grace. How can I say 'no' when with the rising Mongolian sun, he says "Happy Birthday, son. I made this just for you. I'm crazy about you!" and my heart melts like a stick of butter in the radiance of His love.
That's when I decided to go all in. I commit to the process… Again… And again… And again… Because that's what trusting God is: a process. Just when I thought I had everything under control and I thought I had God figured out, He shifted ever so slightly and the house of cards fell over. I thought I was pursuing him –and in certain ways I really was– but in many ways, I confined him to my box of expectations. I thought I was doing everything with him, but turns out, I was doing all the work because God couldn't actually do anything from within my box… so he blew up the box.
A lot of the times, when you follow Jesus, you're not going to know where he's going. In those moments, embrace your brokenness and forget control. Control and independence is not what we're designed for. Let go of it all, trust him, and jump. I allowed myself to desire the gift more than the Giver. Even though giving up that gift was hard, I've come into a time when I desire the Giver more than anything else.
Luke 5:5 NIV – Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.”
