Z-Squad is in Ulaanbataar, Mongolia tonight. It's been an incredible and quick month in China. I won't be writing much about ministry, if any, as continual protection for our contacts. I'm going to again focus this blog post on my spiritual journey. In the last 30 days, my life has changed drastically, and much of the change I never saw coming.
Throughout month 5, as you recall, my spiritual life was very rocky and unproductive. I had seeked out God all month and felt like I was going nowhere. I wanted so much from God, mighty moves, visions, miracles, but nothing was coming. The problem I was having, and that I was unwilling to admit to anyone, was that I was struggling with pornography on the race. As I've said before, it's been a long time struggle, but what I didn't want to admit to people was that it was still a problem. The greatest guilt I felt was because I've stood in front of my squad and have written blogs bragging about how I 'defeated' pornography, but was constantly an issue because I didn't really want to tell anyone it was still a problem. During travel to China, God gave me an ultimatum that I would have to bring this problem to light and go through confession and repentance if I was ever going to move forward in my relationship with Jesus and be truly healed. So I confessed, to my girlfriend, my close friends and the community around me on the race. I was so worried and ashamed of what people would think, but everyone I confessed my problem to supported me and ultimately loved me through it. God began to show me what his church is really capable of when everyone is committed to loving each other in their mess.
As my month in China went on, I continued to focus on the Lord as I seeked healing from my addiction to pornography. Our entire squad fasted internet, I was cutoff from my girlfriend and everyone else in my life. It was literally me, my team and God for 2.5 weeks straight. During that time, God showed me several things: I am forgiven. I am worthy of being loved. I am loved. I am accepted by Jesus. All these things were important, but I struggled through a 'withdrawal' phase of my addiction, and so I went through frustration with God. I simply wanted to be done with the sin and temptation altogether, but the biggest revelation came when I read Ragamuffin Gospel during the month. Brennan Manning puts it like this, 'The gospel of grace calls us to sing of the everyday mystery of intimacy of God instead of always seeking for miracles and visions.' So I relaxed, stood still, and continued to seek God and rest in his grace and love for me.
It's a good thing I practiced resting in God's love and acceptance of me, because when I got to debrief in Beijing, my girlfriend had some news neither of us ever expected. My internet fast gave her a lot of time to seek the Lord and what he wanted for her , and she felt the Lord very clearly call her to missions next year… alone. So I willingly stepped aside, and we mutually ended our relationship. I feel it's the hardest thing God has ever asked me to do, and quite honestly, it sucks. I wish things didn't have to be like this, but I'd rather be obedient to the Lord, especially when it concerns my girlfriend's future, than to hold on so tightly to it for my own comfort.
In these seasons of abandonment, in my mind I feel like I've lost so much control and comfort. I really feel like I have nothing left but God right now. Perhaps that's how he wants it. Pornography is sin, not from God and was a stronghold in my life, but not anymore. The relationship with my girlfriend was God given. It was a gift and a wonderful blessing. He had a purpose for it and we both were changed and experienced growth because of it. It sucks that it had to come to an end, but I know that God is still good, he still has a plan and his plans are always perfect.
Through the pain, through abandonment, I shed what makes me comfortable until there is nothing left. I surrender my plans and what I want gives way under to God's plan for my life. I don't get why God does what he does, and I probably wouldn't understand even if he told me. If we hold tightly onto things that make us comfortable, when those things change or get taken away, no amount of explanation makes us feel better. If we knew God's ways, his reasons for doing the things he does or when he does them, we'd have no reason to trust him. Sometimes, God wants us to abandon certain things in our lives, whether they are godly things or not, not to harm us, but to heal us, not to break us down, but to build us up. God wants our whole hearts, and sometimes, that involves letting go of the things we love most, especially when those things aren't God.
God always provides…
