India is absolutely incredible, and it’s not even remotely close to what I imagined it would be. When you think “India”, your mind goes straight to Slum Dog Millionaire…at least mine did.
Where we are exactly is Northeast India in a village named Sielmat. The district is Churchandpur, and the state is Manipur. The natives here trace their ancestors back to China. The culture here is very different from what you would typically expect when talking about India.
I absolutely love it here. The thought of leaving in the next 2 weeks is already starting to break my heart. I’ve always heard stories of how leaving will be the hardest part because you get so attached, but I never imagined I would hold so much love for a place and a community in a matter of one month.
I have really connected with the locals that work and serve us here in Sielmat. It’s blowing my mind and overwhelming my heart to have become so close to them relationally. I can’t stand thinking about leaving.
Given the title missionary, we came with the expectation and desire in our hearts to serve anyone and everyone at any chance we get, but that’s not how it’s been the entire time. Our mornings and afternoons are filled with ministry, which vary from working in construction, visiting the schools, working at the hospitals, preparing medical equipment, praying with locals during medical clinics out in rural villages as they receive their diagnosis, but once we’re back in Sielmat, we are served, loved, fed, and taken care…it feels more like home here than anywhere I’ve ever visited. The people of Bibles for the World have effortlessly poured their love and hospitality out on us. It’s an incredible atmosphere to be apart of.
Apart from ministry work, there’s been a lot of work being done in my heart. Working through frustration, disconnect from the Lord, and forgiveness. My first week in, I finished reading an incredible book called Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship by Jack Frost. This book completely wrecked me. It opened my eyes to an entirely new perspective on what it means to be a daughter to the Father and how to overcome having an orphan’s heart.
My heart took up residence in a place of apprehension, uncertainty, fear of trusting, fear of rejection and a fear of opening my heart up to love. These feelings stem from when my parents divorced when I was five years old. My sister, my mom, and I moved from the East Coast to the Pacific Northwest. This happened at such a young and impressionable age, growing up without a dad was normal.
Because I experienced rejection and abandonment at the tender age of five, I was incapable of fielding those emotions, so I coped by creating the idea that I had to perform in order to be of value to friends, family, people in authority over me and ultimately toward God. All the gifts I obtain are from the Lord, He gave me these abilities, simply put, the Lord is not impressed with me.
I love my dad, very much. He has supported me endlessly in all that I do, but his decision to walk away from our family left me with a misrepresentation of the Father’s love. My focus was on the faults in my dad, and my heart grew closed as a defense mechanism to protect myself from being hurt again. I shut everyone out around me that cared for me and loved me, and I didn’t let anyone in.
As I become more aware of the root of my pain and shame that I’ve carried for so long, I’m learning to surrender, rest, and let the Lord take my burdens and my pain. I’m learning in order to experience true daughter-ship with the Father I have to walk in forgiveness toward my dad, humble myself, honor him as a person placed in authority over me and respect him. It has not been an easy decision and I’ve wrestled with it for far too long, but my heart is tired… I’m tired.
I’m emotionally exhausted from performing, always doing, and always putting on a false self. I’ve also learned in order to give forgiveness, you have to receive it. Right now, I am beginning to walk through the process of receiving forgiveness and experiencing healing from the Father.
I want to spend more time through this process one on one with the Father, then I will bring you all into this part of my journey.
This month in India has been so exciting, full of laughter, joy, hard work, and most importantly rest. We have a lot more free time than expected and I’ve seen that as a blessing from the Lord. He wants me to rest. Rest in His presence, surrender my fears to Him. As Jack Frost writes in his book, rest is a pasture of the heart of Sonship that feels so sheltered in Fathers love that it does not allow itself to be pulled into a place where we strive to feel value, affirmed, or secure. Abiding in rest is the place where all people will be drawn to because everyone is searching for rest.
