It’s ended. 10 days of sleeping on the ground filled with back pain, sore throats, 7am workouts, cold bucket showers, hard laughter, hard tears, talking full on weeping. I found my brothers and sisters, we bonded, we laughed, we cried, we stunk…so bad. We were in a constant sweat, no matter what, but we loved each other, through it all.
It’s an incredibly humbling experience to be put in a tent for 10 days carrying with you what you think you will need in a what now seems like a small 65 liter pack. Let’s say I learned a lot of what is necessary and what isn’t, and I was pretty much wrong about almost everything. Stepping stone! This experience is unexplainable, and my thoughts might seem scattered, because what happened at training camp was miraculous and can only be described as a work only the Lord could have done. I will try my best to best depict what I went through over the past week and a half.
Describing how I felt when arriving at training camp is probably much easier to explain than how I am feeling now… post training camp. It’s difficult to explain the supernatural. Entering in I carried a lot pain, I was covered in shame, and holding onto to the inability to forgive. I was hindering my relationship with Jesus and creating my own road block. I lived with this idea that I had to be in pursuit of the Lord, I had to seek the Lord… but he’s not running from me, I’m the one running. I am being sought after by Him, He is in pursuit of my heart, my attention, waving at me from a distance, calling, “Jess, my daughter, I’m right here. Come sit with me. I’ve been waiting for you,” In the most sweet and gentle voice. One thing I learned was that Jesus doesn’t come in like a roaring lion, blasting in your head, and condemning you for your sins. His voice is a soft, gentle whisper. He’s always talking to you, He is always leading you, but to be able to hear him, you have to strip down the noise of the sin you are holding onto, the burdens you are carrying, the walls you’re building and let Him in.
My heart broke more than once, it shattered into pieces, I fell to me knees countless times, I wept more than I can count on one hand. I let go of everything I held onto, I put a spotlight on my sin, and I brought to light what was sabotaging my relationship with Jesus. I walked through forgiveness, I handed my pain to Him and I took off the coat of shame. Jesus gave me freedom from those burdens. The burdens that once filled my heart is now filled with the Holy Spirit. The bondage was broken, and I now walk in confidence in who Jesus is, and truly understand what it means to walk in His light full of everlasting love and grace. But I didn’t do this alone, even in the midst of walking in sin, Jesus looked out for me and continued to care for me and blessed me with incredible mentorship by two of the most amazing young women I’ve known. In the midst of total vulnerability, putting all the ugliness out on the table, covered in thousands of tears, they embraced me and loved me exactly where I was with no condemnation and no judgment. Instead, they told me they were proud of me for taking that step of honesty and allowing the Holy Spirit to enter in, and giving me their shoulder to weep into as the prayed over me. That’s sisterhood, that’s church.
My God is good. My God is patient, He isn’t defined by grace or defined by love, he is the embodiment of those, and He wants me. I got saved at training camp. Training camp, is and will always be one of the best and most difficult 10 days I’ve experienced in my life. I say that because that’s where I found my identity, and that’s where I for the first time, experienced the presence of the Holy Spirit, and the work is just beginning. He is continuing to put me in uncomfortable places that challenge me and allow me to grow. It doesn’t get easier, but by Him and through Him, I am stronger..I took a chance, I stepped out in faith, and He caught me. He grabbed my hand and walked through the valley with me. He sat in my pain with me, and he will never leave my side no matter how ugly it gets. A great pastor by the name of Graham Cook once said in a sermon, “I’m not pursuing the presence of God, I am being captivated by the presence of God.”
I am so lost in him.
I will be posting another blog in the next few days that will really lay out what I learned at training camp that will give you all a more in depth look. I wanted to come to you all as I’m still so emotional and give you exactly what’s fresh on my heart and mind before I begin to settle. This is me in my most vulnerable state and I want you all apart of it to see the goodness of Jesus and what it means to be transformed by Christ. As I begin to process my thoughts and emotionally gather myself, I will give you more.
But wait!!! it doesn’t stop there… Training camp was absolutely incredible but that’s just the beginning. by September 16th I need to have $10,000 to get on the plane and head to India. The Lord is doing an amazing work in my heart, I am so underserving of His grace. I am a vessel of His love and I so desperately want to continue overflowing the goodness of who He is into all the nations. Please, send ME! I ask that you would prayerfully consider financially supporting me. At any cost, however you can help, I am beyond grateful. I love you all and am so blessed for your support. Continue praying for me and following along in this journey.
