As I sit here trying to put my thoughts into words, I have waves of chills flooding through me. You know those moments when God just keeps revealing more and more of His truth to you? Truth that He takes from just knowledge, to deeper and deeper insight. My body’s response is chills. My spirit’s response is awe. And as I try to express in words what God is teaching and revealing to me, it will probably sound like words to you. But God is revealing my heart to me and the ways that my flesh has had control of my thoughts and life. And in its place, He has given me the mind of Christ.
“The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man’s spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words…’For who has known the mind of the Lord that He may instruct him?’ But we have the mind of Christ.” 1 Cor. 2:10b-16
Here are a few insights God has been teaching me this past week:
1. Exercising humility will look different this year for me. Sometimes, I think I have a good grasp on humility: I know clearly that I can’t do anything without Christ and I know all the gifts I have are from HIM, so He receives all the glory. However, I still feel “useful” or “purposeful” when I get to use my gifts, namely teaching. And while I know that we are to use the gifts God has given us, His plan is bigger than mine and His scale of measuring purpose is different than what I see.
This next year on the Race, there will be days when I cannot communicate with those I minister to. I cannot impart truth or wisdom into their lives through my words. And that is what I rely on, because that is a gift God has given me. But God also wants to teach me to LOVE. This is what He calls me to. If I preach the message of God’s redemption and grace with eloquent and convicting words, but have not love, I am NOTHING. And if I sit all day at an orphanage holding a child and I pray and sing over him, and he can’t understand a single word I speak, but he glimpses love, then I am GREAT. This is God’s Kingdom.
“And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me.” Matt. 18:5
“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.” Matt. 18:10
This is humbleness for me this next year. When my ministry seems pointless and I start to feel purposeless, this is my purpose. Not that I look great, but that God looks great. And this is the gift that God has given me that will remain…LOVE.
2. So, I have a reluctance to walk in areas that I don’t believe God has gifted me in. Maybe it’s because I don’t like being “weak” and maybe I don’t have an understanding of how God can really work and move through that weakness.
During Training Camp, God used our times of worship to transform my heart. So when we found out our teams, I was hoping that someone could play an instrument and we could worship together as a team on the race. But no one spoke up, including myself. Because even though I do play guitar, I had no intention of letting anyone know. But God knew and my response to Him was, “No! I don’t want to carry around my guitar on this race, I’m selling it anyways for money for the race, and you know how poorly I sing and play compared to…” As I felt Him prying into this insecurity, I threw out a challenge. “Fine. If you want me to lead worship for my team, you’ll have to give me a guitar.”
Over the next few weeks, God revealed pride in my heart…where I thought I was being “humble” or at least realistic with my abilities. I didn’t realize I was thinking this, but there it was, running around in my head: “If God wants me to lead worship, then He is going to have to make me better. He is going to have to give me a better singing voice and miraculously give me better guitar skills.” Why is this the thought in my head? Because I don’t want to look stupid. I’m not willing to appear weak before others. It’s such a self-focused view!
Self-pity is pride too. Sometimes I think that I am humble because I know that I don’t sound good and am not talented in this area. But putting myself down and complaining that I’m not good and refusing to lead worship is just as prideful. Because I’m focusing on myself and I’m unwilling to serve others in this way unless it will result in me looking good. Wow. Ouch.
This past summer, one of my high school girls discovered her ability to sing and play and lead worship. On a leadership retreat last week, I shared with her how God was changing my heart and was giving me a willingness to lead worship for my team on the race. Before I left that weekend, she came up to me and said that she wanted to give me her guitar, which happened to be a small, ¾ size lightweight guitar, perfect for what I needed. Although it was extremely hard to accept, God is teaching me to receive his gifts.
So, please pray with me as God continues to work on my heart. I am asking that He develops a heart of worship in me so that I can help create an atmosphere of worship for my team. And when I do play, my prayer is that I won’t be a distraction. I want to fade into the background and just allow God to move and be the focus. It’s extremely hard for me to worship when I’m trying to focus on playing and singing. So, please pray that God will be my focus and that He would truly be my strength in this weakness.
3. One more thing that God showed me so clearly in His Word was through these verses:
“For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not? Already you have all you want! Already you have become rich!”
I Corinthians 4:7-8a
These verses struck me so much because I think there is a tendency to downplay our gifts. We think if we recognize that God has gifted us in some way that it will lead to pride. So we have a church full of people who are claiming weakness in areas that God has made them strong. If God gifts you as a teacher, it is not humbleness to claim that you are poor at teaching. Why would you boast as though you did not receive this gift? This attitude leads to a reluctance to walk in the things God has prepared for you to do. And when you see someone else’s gift, do not be jealous, because it is God who has chosen to gift them in that way. And when you compliment them, it is not flattery; it is an acknowledgement of God’s incredible grace to give good gifts.
Although I’ve heard teaching on gifts my whole life, God just opened up my eyes to a new way of walking out this truth, specifically with how it will look when I’m in a tight community with 6 other girls this year. There is such a dangerous potential for comparison that can limit our ministry and our love for each other. But God showed me the sweetness of recognizing each other’s gifts and how it can result in worship. We must seek to glorify God rather than man and have a right understanding of who the Giver and Equipper is and to celebrate Him.
So, those are my lessons from this past week. One more thing, if anyone made it through to the end with me. God has shown me again lately how important journaling is to my growth and I want to encourage others to walk in this discipline. It's about interacting, wrestling, and meditating on God's truths and then marking down His revelation as a reminder of what God is doing in your life. Even though it's almost painful for me to expose my heart to who-knows-who on this blog, I know that it will be a vital tool that God will use to change me.
Please pray for me as my learning experiences will continue to get harder as I leave for my Race…just 3 weeks from today! Thank you!
