It was just one of those mornings. A morning where if I did not make a list of things to be thankful for, then I would not get out of bed. So I began before my head left the pillow. And as I sat down to try to sneak a few minutes alone with God, I wrote down my thankful list:
My mosquito net
My comfy mattress
God's sufficiency for today
A full stomach as I went to sleep
Banana chips
A cool morning
Clean clothes
Clean water to drink
The broken window so that I feel an occasional breeze.
My time alone was cut short as it often is on the Race, and we prepared to leave for the day. It was our first day of ministry in Lira, Uganda, our 9th month on the Race. We headed to a hostel to meet friends of Travis (my teammate) who were at the end of their 2 week mission trip. They were finishing a year of discipleship school with Antioch, a church based out of Texas, and they had just 2 more days in Lira on their mission trip. As we stepped into the compound and started making introductions, the questions began to flow. About our Race, about how we've seen God work and move, about how we've changed, and the greatest stories we have witnessed. As we broke into small groups with our new friends to share our hearts, I realized that I was not ok. I was exhausted. My soul was weary. Even after coming off a restful week, a week of debrief where we worshipped together and were taught by our leaders, where we had time to talk with old teammates and friends within the squad…I was not filled up. I was not ready to go. I did not have the strength or desire to charge the mountain these last three months.
The Antioch team began to share stories about what God had done in the last 2 weeks, about people becoming believers, being baptized, being discipled, and of praying over people and seeing many healings. They were full of joy, full of excitement, and ready to worship.
But as we began to worship together, my mind turned inward instead of heavenward. I began to fear and dread the day I would return home from the Race. The days and weeks of questions about what I had seen, about what God had done in and through me. And all I could think was: it's not enough. I haven't changed enough. I don't have enough stories of ways I've seen God work. I haven't become stronger or more selfless or more compassionate. I still don't know how to hear God's voice clearly enough to be led by Him in the moment. I've never seen God heal…and on and on it went. You see, even in month 9, I am hanging on to this idea that God is not pleased with me. That He is disappointed in me. I even had 3 different people pray over me during worship, telling me that God was proud of me, but I stubbornly refused to let it sink past my idea of what God thought of me.
But then…
Abby, from the Antioch team, ended our time of worship together with an idea that made her giddy with excitement. She said that Jesus had given her an idea about how Heaven was cheering us on right now. So she had the Antioch team surround our two World Race teams and they were going to show us a picture of it. And they began to yell and cheer and jump up and down. At first, we laughed awkwardly in the middle, thinking that it would end in about 5 seconds. But then, the cheering crescendoed, and they continued to shout and pump their fists in the air and jump up and down. No one held back and there was complete joy on their faces as they continued to cheer for us. And something inside me…inside us, broke. And the tears just flowed down my cheeks in disbelief. That heaven was looking down on us and cheering. That Jesus was proud. That in my weakness and weariness, they were shouting for our victory. It was a humbling, beautiful picture. Because if heaven were to cheer for anyone, I thought they should be cheering for this amazing team that was full of joy and testimonies of God's work…not for me.
As I reflect back on that day, it still brings tears to my eyes. I want to believe that God is pleased with me, that He is rejoicing over me. So, that's what I'm fighting for this month. To uncover those places of fear and find the victory that God is cheering me on toward.
