I've heard the challenge asked many times: "Who is driving your car?" Are you in control or are you allowing Jesus to drive? This results many times in us taking the back seat and just wanting Jesus to make the decisions. Then, thinking that we've given Him control, we sit back and wonder why we are not moving in any direction. Instead, Jesus is asking us to drive as His disciples, as His students, and listen to the direction of the Holy Spirit. He is our teacher, He is our guide into all truth. So the question becomes, not are you allowing Jesus to drive, but are you being Spirit-led? Sometimes, He will tell you a specific direction to drive. And sometimes, He will ask us where we want to go. And we get to explore and dream with Him. He's in the car, speaking to us, and He will direct us how to live as we choose to listen to Him on the journey.
The Spirit taught me this as I sought His will on what I was supposed to do after the Race. Sometimes my focus can be on just getting the right "answer" from Him. But transformation and the renewing of my mind focuses on who I am more than what I do. Isn't that what I Corinthians teaches us? That we could "do" a lot of things that seem really good…but if we don't operate out of love, we are nothing. If I go to 11 different countries for 11 months…God is not impressed or pleased with me…unless I carry love with me. So as I sought His will for the next stage of my life, I didn't worry so much about what I was to do next, but who I am seeking to become.
In fact, that's one of the reasons I originally signed up for the Race. Because although I was "doing" full-time ministry, although I was discipling girls and working for the church was my life, I knew that my own heart was growing comfortable and selfish as I continued to live out an easy American lifestyle.
Last week, Amanda, Steph, and I met a man in a little cafe. He engaged us in conversation and when he found out we were missionaries, he asked if we were there to save his soul. We soon discovered that he was cynical of the fact that there was a God and he wondered what good we were doing. As we tried to explain the Gospel, he kept interrupting and demanded that we call him at the end of the month to explain what we had accomplished. We tried to explain that you can't measure love or faithfulness in teaching the Truth, but he wouldn't listen. He wanted proof of accomplishment. But that's what this year has been…the question raised over and over again…what are we doing? When my ministry for the month is to hold little kids everyday who can't understand anything I'm saying…does it matter what I'm doing? And the answer is…it matters who I am. It matters that I do all things out of love and it matters that I love my teammate just as much as it matters that I love the prostitute in the bar. So, this year has been less about doing alot of good work and more about becoming who Christ died for me to be.
Sorry…perhaps this blog seems like a random grouping of lessons, but they all collided in my head as I tried to figure out what was to come next. The fact is…I want to return to discipling young women. I want to do it for the rest of my life. I love teaching and I love sharing life together and now, more than ever, helping people fight for the complete freedom that is only found in Christ. And perhaps I'm ready to do that now. But there are a few more things I want to work out in my life…more freedom that I know there is to be found in Christ. And I want to be discipled as I disciple others. So, I have decided to attend a discipleship school in Waco, TX called Elevate. I was able to meet some of the students who were completing their year on a mission trip in Lira, Uganda and I was greatly blessed by them. (I wrote a blog about it here).
As I was deciding whether or not to do the discipleship school next, many battles took place in my mind. I just had an entire year of learning and growth, why did I want/need another? I turned 29 on the Race, wasn't it time now to return to normal life and get a job? Plus, the school starts 2 weeks after I return home…there is no way I can do that. That fact alone was enough to make me say no to this opportunity for weeks. Plus, I don't have a car, roommates or a home, and I have to find a part-time job in Texas. I'm tired of change and I just want to finally rest and be in my comfortable hometown again where everything is familiar. All these "problems" and more wrestled through my head…causing confusion and stress.
But then…Jesus. Only in His presence does confusion cease and peace come. He would take care of all my needs. Who cares about what I'm "supposed" to do? What matters the most is who I'm becoming and I see that those who go through this discipleship school are better equipped to live in freedom and make disciples.
I'm so excited for this next year…at least, once I surrender my fears to Christ everyday, I am able to enjoy excitement. I wanted to learn how to fully rely on Christ this past year as I allowed comforts to be stripped away. And now, I want to learn how to completely rely on Christ as the physical comforts return. I want to continue to grow and learn and be challenged to choose Him in the midst of the many distractions that will return to my life as I re-enter the States. The World Race may be ending, but my race continues and I want to continue to run it with endurance.
