In August of 2011 I applied to go on the World Race, to go on an 11 month 11 country mission trip leaving July 2012. When I first applied and found out I was accepted I was ECSTATIC! I couldn’t wait for July 2012 to arrive. It was all I could think or talk about. I probably read through hundreds of blogs, trying to process through what would be my life next year. And then that excitement was replaced by fear, worry and the worst… doubt. It wasn’t that I was afraid of going on this trip or doubted that this was what God was calling me to, but rather I doubted that I could actually DO this.
Last fall I entered into a season of SELF DOUBT. I knew that God was calling me to step out and into roles that I didn’t think I could ever possibly fulfill. As a social work major I began my internship as a High School social worker and what you would call an inner city school. I felt completely unprepared and unable to handle what was being asked of me. I’m not going to lie, September and October were AWFUL, I never felt like I was doing a thing right and couldn’t see how I could make any kind of impact on my students. I just never felt like I could connect with my students. The same was true for me at my church. I recently became a youth group leader and really struggled with connecting with my girls. I just felt like I was being asked to do so much last fall that I was completely unprepared and incapable of doing. The last thing that I wanted to think about was The World Race, something that I began feeling more and more unready for.
This season of doubt was especially hard for me as social work major because a lot of what I’ve learned is based on self-empowerment, on the ability of self. I mean after all of my sociology and social work classes I’ll be leaving my school being told that as a Latina Female I can do ANYTHING! I have the ability to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING (and do it better than that much-maligned white male J) and I can do it all on my OWN. But the truth? The reality? I couldn’t and I was starting to learn that.
What I was failing to see through all this was what God was trying show me, to tell me… I CAN’T do it all on my OWN, however I CAN do it with HIM. I needed to stop trying to depend on my own abilities and realize that the only way I could do any of this is reliance on HIM, not myself.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."
2 Corinthians 12:9
At the beginning of this new year one of my awesome squad mates challenged us to chose our one word for the year. One word that God can use in our lives for the year, something that we keep coming back to. So here’s my word – Surrender. I am surrendering to do what it is that HE is calling me to, no matter how inadequate I may feel to do it. I’ve been told over and over that God doesn’t call the equipped, rather he equips those he calls, and I’m starting to really believe it.
