They tell you not to have expectations on the world race. They hammer this into you over and over during training camp and launch. Just don’t have any expectations about anything; your living situation, the food, what ministry will look like, what travel will look like. Essentially just think that every month you’ll be left in a desert, naked with no water, and then when you find out what your living situation will be you’ll be pleasantly surprised. It’s easy to think that you haven’t developed any expectations until you find yourself sorely disappointed.
I thought I didn’t have any expectations about Nepal. I did. I expected to be in cooler weather in the mountains far away from India
I ended up in the jungle of Nepal. Less than 20 miles from India. It’s blazing hot and humid. I didn’t even know Nepal had a jungle!
When we pulled up to the church we will be living in, I did not have a good attitude about the entire situation. I knew that I would be living in this kind of weather at some points this year; I just didn’t expect that it would be in Nepal. I was frustrated to be out of the mountains when the rest of our squad got to stay up north. To be honest, I was frustrated about being so close to India. I had an incredible time in India, but I was ready to leave and be in Nepal. The crazy mosquitos and concern about malaria didn’t help any, however when our pastor asked if anyone had a phobia about mice or rats, because they are plentiful around here, I was done. I get it, I was acting like a child, I knew at some point this year I would have to deal with my fear of pretty much every creature known to man, but because of the expectations I had I was not ready for it to be this month.
I knew I wasn’t in the right mindset, I mean seriously? We get sent to the jungle while everyone gets to enjoy the Himalayas that we see in the distance? I needed to have it out with God; I mean what in the world is He doing? I blew up my air mattress and turned on my iPod (my alone time) and had it out with God, in reality I pretty much threw a tantrum and He patiently listened. When I was done I just laid there listening for a response, an answer, an explanation… something. The song Give Me Faith came on and I started singing, the song seemed quite appropriate, I sang out “give me faith to trust what you say, that you’re good and your love is great”.
Then He responded.
It was a question to me.
And it humbled me.
“Do you think I love you more than I love them?”
Ummm…….
I was behaving as if I did, I was acting as if I deserved more than this current situation. I was so focused on myself.
It’s not that God was saying He doesn’t love me, I know He does, more than I could ever explain or imagine, but I lost sight of the fact that He loves EVERYONE that much. He loves the people in this village as much as He loves me, and that’s why I’m here. I have that opportunity to show each one of these people just how much He loves them!
The reality of the situation is this: I get to leave in a few weeks and head into another country and in less than 10 months I get to go back home. But for everyone here, this is their life, there is no leaving, this is their world and here I am throwing a tantrum that I have to live here for a few weeks.
We’ve been told over and over that God doesn’t care about our comfort, He cares about our character. He is using us to build his kingdom and in the process He’s growing us. I’m grateful that He loves me enough to teach me and stretch me in this way. I’m honored that He is using ME despite my selfish moments and tantrums to do His work and show His love.
I needed that shift in perspective; I think we all do at times. It’s not about us. We need to move past ourselves and focus on what it is that God has called us to do and that is kingdom building, and that is not always comfortable or safe.
But it’s worth it.
– Jess
