“Welcome to open mic night. Before we get started with what everyone has prepared, we’re going to worship together.” Thinking nothing of it, I stood up and got ready to worship. The first few songs were sung and I was ready to hear/see what people prepared for this night. That’s when the familiar chords of “I surrender” started to be strum. “No way Jesus” was all I could softly mutter and I sang “I surrender, I want to know you more.” I knew instantly, in that moment, what God was calling me to do and I started crying. I couldn’t handle it. I knew this moment was coming sooner or later, but I wasn’t ready for it. The moment I dreaded when I signed up for the race was going to happen that night. I didn’t think I could handle it, but God had other things in store for me.
Before I continue on with the story, let me give you some details and a little back story. While in South Africa, our squad leaders announced that we were going to have an open mic night at debrief. As soon and I heard those words, my stomach dropped and I was mad. They wanted up to write/do something original…basically so everyone didn’t get up there and sing songs we sing together all the time. Anyways, I went to my squad leader Renee and asked her if a song really had to be an original. She said they would prefer that cause they wanted it to be Spirit led. I told her that for me, the challenge wasn’t writing an original song, but just getting up there and singing. She said that some things could be case sensitive, and I walked away knowing that I wasn’t writing a song, God had already given me one when I heard the news.
A year and a half ago I was in Uganda on an AIM Passport trip. I knew God was calling me to sing in front of the church there and I was terrified. I shared it with my team and they all rallied together and basically told me I was doing it whether I liked it or not. They knew the release that would come with it and they knew I was just being blinded by fear. I practiced the song “His eye is on the sparrow” for about a week leading up to the Sunday I was supposed to sing in front of the church. Due to a bunch of things happening in the week and little communication with out contact during that week, I didn’t sing the song. I thought I was off the hook with ever having to perform that song in front of people, but ironically, that’s the songI knew I had to sing in front of my squad on open mic night.
While at debrief, a few days before open mic night, I was in charge of leading a squad jam session. I sang a lot and very loud that morning, and put a lot of strain on my voice. After all was said and done, my voice was not completely lost, but severely raspy. I thought I was off the hook since my voice didn’t sound good. everyone kept telling me I was still performing, that this was satan trying to keep me from singing, and in the moment, I told Satan he had won. I wasn’t singing because my voice sounded horrible and I hadn’t practiced much with the instrumental version of the song. I prepared a more fun, less vocally hard song and walked into session ready to take the easy way out.
Now back to the story. During the song “I surrender,” Jesus started asking me questions.
“Who do you sing for Jessica?”
“You God”
“Then why are you so scared?”
“What if I mess up, or sound horrible?”
“Do you think I care about that? Your praises are perfect to me”
“But there’s so many other people on here. What are they going to think?”
“Who do you sing for Jessica?”
“Ok, but I just want it to be perfect for you”
“Perfect for me, or for the others? What ever comes out of your mouth that glorifies me, is perfect”
“Ok, but I didn’t practice a lot with the music. I’m going to be off”
“Who said you needed music? Your voice is enough for me. In fact, you’re singing right now about surrendering, surrender your music to me. Go up there and sing acapella”
“Now you know I can’t do that”
“Why? Who do you sing for Jessica?”
Finally worship was over and the actual open mic started. Person after person that went up was amazing, but I couldn’t help crying. I couldn’t believe what Jesus had just called me to. I was an emotional mess by the third act. It didn’t help that several of my teammates had gone up and just watching them do their acts made me cry even harder. I was crying so much; crying because of the steps people were taking to perform in front of the squad, but also crying because I was terrified of my turn in front of everyone. I told God to let me know when to go, and before I knew it, my behind was leaving my chair and I was walking up to the hot seat…lights, camera, action.
I got to the seat, still crying and somehow uttered the words “this is the moment I dreaded coming on the World Race.” I gave the squad a quick rundown of how I tried to talk God out of it and take the easy way out, and then I broke down. I couldn’t do it, or so I thought, so I just closed my eyes and cried. It was silent in the room for a minute as I cried and people prayed silently for me. I heard our coach Joanne whispering “Jesus” over and over, and I was reminded why I was up in that seat. I knew I had to do it and there was no giving up at that point. I told them I needed more time cause I couldn’t do it right then, and someone spoke up and said the words God was telling me, “yes you can, you can do it.” I managed to gather myself, told myself over and over to just start singing, and before I knew it, I was singing. The song was raspy, shaky, and emotional, but I continued through. I forgot the words halfway through, but once I remembered them , I kept going. It wasn’t perfect by any means, but it was exactly what it needed to be. God was glorified and fear had no power over me. I conquered one of my biggest fears with the support of God and my squad. After the night was done, person after person came up to me confirming that what i did that night was exactly what God had planned. It touched so many of my squad mates and God gave one guy on my squad, Paul, the exact song I was going to sing before he knew I was singing it. Not only did I need to sing that song, but people on my squad needed to hear it. After I went, it gave people the courage to step up and conquer their own fears. I had no idea when I went up there to conquer my own fear the ripple effect it cause. I’m so glad I listened to my Abba when he said I could do it because so much came out of my listening.
So in spirit of listening to God and conquering fears, I’m posting the video of my performance on here. I know it’s not perfect and my voice doesn’t hit every note it’s supposed to, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Here’s to not caring and knowing my Abba thinks it’s the best performance ever.
