As I’ve been taking time to think about freedom, identity and foundation- God gave me a picture! (Amazing that God can speak to us through a picture, I mean, He is God, so He can speak to us however He wants, but He chose to put a picture in my mind to speak to me! What a personal, loving God we serve!) God gave me the seemingly simple image of a ball of yarn. Twisted, knotted, unorganized, frustrating and intriguing. Being a skeptic, my natural instinct is to discount the picture, but I chose to believe that it was from God and started asking Him what it meant.
The first thing I discovered about this picture is that I am in the center of the ball of yarn. My true self, the way God sees me and the way I’m supposed to be. Cool. I would feel nice and cozy in the middle of a ball of yarn. Protected, safe, sheltered, warm. Being in the middle of this ball of yarn would make thinking effortless because I wouldn’t need to decide anything about the direction I roll- things are “figured out” inside the protection of the ball of yarn.
But then, all at once it seemed, I realized that I’m actually trapped inside the yarn, constantly yearning to be free. Inside the yarn I can’t see, I can’t feel, I can’t experience life outside these strings that hold me. I roll around wherever the yarn wanders, not able to take my own steps. I can barely stretch out my hands to move them where they should go. I crave freedom from the ball of yarn, but I am also terrified by the thought of abandoning the safety of what I know. I’ll be exposed, unsupported, vulnerable.
But I have to try. I frantically search for the end of the yarn to start unraveling, to no avail. In stubborn Aeppli form, I try to find something to cut the strands, useless. All the while asking God, what does the yarn represent? “Your fears and insecurities”, He whispered. With both a sense of tenacity and trembling, I began to ask the Lord where the yarn started, so that I could start gaining freedom, thread by thread. What He showed me brought me to my knees.
The yarn starts on the outside. I have to allow God to unravel the ball of yarn, thread by delicate thread, for me. I can no longer strive and try and work at pulling my fears and insecurities (feeling worthless and always wrong/can do nothing right and unlovable) on my own- because ultimately I can’t do it on my own. I need to learn to hear the Lord’s voice, telling me how much He loves me. I have come to know that, I can speak as much truth into my identity as I want, but it won’t take hold in my heart until I hear it from the one who is Truth- Jesus.
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1
