As we drove from Malawi to Zambia in World Race style: bus with luggage on the roof, all seats full and cramped, 40 hours long, border crossing- I thought about all that I felt God had been teaching me. He has been allowing me to realize more and more of where I am in my relationship with Him. I’ve been made aware of my absence of true identity. I’ve been taking account of my thoughts- and they have been all negative and discouragingly constant. I haven’t been placing my identity in Christ at all. I haven’t been walking in freedom. Just as the ball of yarn picture showed me, I’m neglecting the freedom Christ died for by remaining trapped inside my fears and insecurities.
All these thoughts began to overwhelm me. My focus was solely on all the areas I needed to grow in and it seemed desperately unreachable. Fear crept in like an elusive shadow, unshakable. It gripped my heart as the tears began to uninvitedly fill my eyes.
I felt paralyzed.
Fear.
The next two nights after reaching our new home in Zambia felt the same- I’d cry myself to sleep because I was so deeply afraid. I tried to express to a few squad mates how I was feeling, unsuccessfully at first. I couldn’t pin point what was causing such fear. I attempted to verbally process my feelings and began to highlight my fear of a distant, silent God who doesn’t listen to me. I was more and more afraid I’d never move closer to living in freedom if I couldn’t even sense the presence of the Holy Spirit.
I began reading from the book of Psalms. I read those words of Truth over myself. Over my life. Reading David’s heart, wow, he wrote with such honesty- it gave me comfort. I could relate to David’s desperate plea to know God was with him and would keep him safe. I began to stand on God’s promise to be my joy, my refuge and my strength.
The fear broke and the freedom has begun. Praise the Lord! Today I have begun to step out in faith and truly trust that God is the only one true God who heals and loves and protects. I prayed healing over a man in the market who can’t see out of one of his eyes. His eye wasn’t healed in that moment- but I will continue to trust God. I bought a Bible and some school shoes for a girl who walked with a few of my friends today. It was her first Bible- what a joy!
“Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me- now let me rejoice.”
Psalm 51:8
“I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me.”
Psalm 16:8-11
“Oh Lord, I give my life to you. I trust in you, my God.”
Psalm 25:1-2a
