I’ve had to ask myself a lot of hard questions in the last few months. The biggest one of all being, “Who do I want to be when I go home, and then forever?” I’d be lying to you if I said I have it all figured out. But, I do know where to start.
Being on the Race I’ve seen so much suffering, pain, loss. I’ve seen homelessness, starvation, abandonment. I’ve see unspeakable ways of living, and yet in the midst of it, I saw Jesus. No, not the man Himself(though I wish). I saw Jesus in and through the hands of my teammates. Through the families who served us meals in Huts. In mothers holding their babies for the first time. I’ve seen Him bring smiles to children’s faces while dancing in the streets. I’ve seen Hope in a mans face who’s had prostate cancer for 9 years. I’ve seen Joy bubbling from the hearts of “lost and broken people” more than I’ve felt in my own heart in a long time. And at home, I’ve felt it in the church youth group, while worshipping with the band and in woman’s ministy and within my own friendships. But untill the Race, I hadn’t felt the communion of Joy with the poor and powerless, in a long, long time.
But recently I’ve asked the Lord to open up my heart more and man did I feel exposed.
That’s when I realized how comfortable I was with keeping Jesus all to myself from those who may require my time or money. I say this vulnerably… my time, my money, my stuff, was held way higher than those who actually were in need of those things…unless it fit into my calander of course. But on the daily, I wasnt interruptible. I am in no way, saying we can’t have nice houses, work hard, look nice, eat well. BUT I feel exposed because, honestly, isn’t the blessing of “having” all in vain if I don’t give to those in need? Wouldn’t it be unforgiving to walk past someone without a jacket, when I might have 3 more at home? To not grab a meal for the woman and her kids who hold up a sign on the street. And what about that guy asking for money, who we assume is lying and wants money for drugs. Why don’t I ask any of these people their story, ask them why, ask to pray for them, listen and hear their words. Even if that means being a little late, or loosing a few bucks, or not getting to go to target till later in the day. I’m not here to convict, but I also know I’m not alone.
Why don’t we share our own story of hope with them when we were completely lost and broken and then at one point in our lives we were introduced to the unconditional love of our Father, our self sacrificing brother Jesus and our best friend and comforter the Holy Spirit. Or maybe they could suprise you and give you encouragement you’ve been asking the Lord for. (that’s happened so much on the race)
When I fly home, I want to serve the people of Reading and you just like the ones I’ve been serving in Asia, Africa, and South America. I’ve been asking God to open my heart and it’s exposing all the times I looked away at home. All the times I made excuses and held tight my personal belongings. Oh thank God for Grace because I don’t hold shame, but I do desire to not look at these memories and continue making similar ones. When I come back to the states I want to take full advantage of being able to look someone in the eyes and speak the same language, to understand the hurt and painful stories coming from their past. Or the beautiful things they have seen and experienced.
I want to be apart of the Church proudly and join in all the ways we have been serving Reading. I want to seek the gifts earnestly in order to love others and give to them. I want to see everyone as a precious and beloved child of God. I want to have faith as big as a mustard seed. I want to be a Mountain Mover all in the name of Jesus. Because he loved perfectly, he loved intentionally. He never looked away, but he stepped closer and once He touched people he gave them SIGHT. He healed them from the inside out. He freed them from every sickness and everything that enslaved them. I want to walk in the footsteps of Jesus. Because He is LOVE. And without it, the world cannot exist.
So this is my confession, this is me choosing to keep on going once I’ve landed on North American soil, to not forget what I have seen and done for the Kingdoms sake. To not forget the vows I made to pursue my calling and ministry. To not forget the “often forgotten”. And I hope while reading this you choose to walk with me and pick me up when I fall, to call me higher when I’m acting in my old ways of shame, to be my church, the body of Christ. Because I could separate myself, I could go off and do my own thing, I could run away and act like I’m alone in this after being gone a year. But that would all be a lie, I know and believe Gods kingdom is moving all around the world and at home and I want to be with my family, my church, and I want to be united as One with Christ. I can’t wait to be home, Reading PA. I’m scared, I won’t lie. But I’m excited for what’s next, I’m excited for what is going on, and I’m excited to do it with you. I’ll see you in little while. I’m praying for our patch of Heaven on earth.
