The Lord has been teaching me SO MUCH this year. One of the biggest things I’ve been learning has been hearing His voice and being obedient to what He is asking me to do. At first, this looked like hearing the truth God spoke over me and not listening to the lies of the enemy, then it was being bold in evangelism and trusting the Lord would provide the words in the moment. But now that I’ve taken these steps in obedience, God is asking me to do things that are harder and harder.
Since Ecuador, I have been desiring to make fasting a lifestyle in order to grow in intimacy with the Lord. Normally I’ll liquid fast for 2 or 3 days, and so far that has been great, but since India I felt the Lord calling me into more. I felt like He was asking me to give up meat, but I did not want to be a vegetarian, so I didn’t listen until Rwanda. I figured if I would give up meat, that would be the easiest month to do it, so I started my meat fast when we began ministry in Rwanda.
With this fast, I felt the Lord calling me to pray for friends and family at home. Through conversations and messages with lots of people, I saw the fruit of what the Lord was doing through this fast. I thought I was going to end it after Rwanda, but the Lord told me pretty clearly that He wanted me to continue until He tells me to stop, which was a horrifying thought to me. Temptation grows stronger and stronger each day, but this just forces to to lean into God more and more.
Our whole team has been growing in obedience, and we really saw the fruit of this on our last day in Rwanda. We wanted to do worship in the town square before we left, and when we brought the idea up to our translator, he told us that they actually do what they call a ‘crusade’ every year, where they set up a stage and a sound system in the square and invite people to worship and preach, and usually hundreds of people accept Christ during this event. He told us they may be able to arrange a mini-crusade before we left, and we said we would love to do that. On Sunday we got the budget for the event that would be put on on Tuesday, so we prayed that the Lord would provide the means for this event to happen. We did a flash fundraiser on Facebook and put together a worship set for the event.
I was so excited to get to share worship in this way. We would share worship in church all the time and people loved it, but I was thrilled to get to share on a larger platform to people who may have never heard the gospel.
Then I lost my voice.
On Monday, I woke up barely able to speak. I was so congested and sick that even my speaking voice was deep and raspy, and even just talking hurt. I so badly wanted to get to sing and share worship at this event, but if this gunk didn’t clear out, it looked like I wasn’t going to get to. However, the Lord reminded me of the talent on my team, and there was no reason that I was the one who had to lead. My team was perfectly capable to leading worship, too, so I had asked them to lead the charge, and I would just play guitar. This was actually a hard thing for me to sacrifice, and that revealed a lot about my true heart posture.
That night we hadn’t officially decided who was going to preach. Originally, I didn’t want to because I assumed I would be leading worship, and I didn’t want to lead and preach, but when I lost my voice and couldn’t sing, I felt like the Lord was asking me to give the message. Now, singing in front of hundreds of people, I can handle that. But preaching? No way, Jose. That scared the crap out of me. I’m always afraid I’m going to say something wrong even in front of 10 people, but I really felt the Lord telling me to trust Him completely, and trust that He would guide my words.
The day of the crusade, I spent most of the day praying. While the stage was being built and the sound was being set up, I was walking around the area, just praying for the Spirit of the Lord to fall and be present with us that night. Because I had been fasting meat for a month and really digging into the Word, I felt and inseparable communion with the Lord that day. I trusted Him completely with what He was going to do, and He was speaking to me. I was still upset that I couldn’t sing with the guys, and I asked the Lord why I had lost my voice, and He answered. He said that I needed to humble myself, and let other people lead, and that just because it’s my job to oversee worship on the squad, that I don’t always have to be the one in front. He also told me that my voice is a gift, but it’s not the only gift I have, and He wants to give me so many more gifts, but I need to make room for them, and stop giving my own voice an idolatrous place in my heart.
Wow. That was convicting.
I looked back on the past 2 months with my team, and I could see how my love of singing was standing in the way of growing deeper in relationships with my team. I mean, it’s pretty normal to talk about the things you love a lot, but I had been focusing way too much on that one thing that I hadn’t got a chance to press into my team in different ways and get to hear about the things they loved.
So when the crusade happened, I surrendered myself to the Lord, and I let Him do whatever He wanted to do. We worshipped and we got to share some of the Kinyarwanda songs we knew, and people loved it. Then I got to share the gospel with the crowd, and the Holy Spirit completely took over. I had notes of what I wanted to say, but I hardly followed them. The words coming out of my mouth felt so natural that I knew it wasn’t me speaking, but the Holy Spirit.
After I spoke, a few people from my team lead prayers with the group. They prayed for salvation, for healing, and at the end of the night the crowd prayed over us. We saw over 300 people accept Christ, and that was an amazing sight to see, and it was only possible when we humbled ourselves and let the Holy Spirit work the way He wanted to.
We left Rwanda feeling on fire for the Lord because of what we saw Him do, and I felt closer to the Lord than I had ever felt before. This was when He told me to continue my meat fast, and He told me to fast something else really hard…
On our third day of debrief, we had a session for Beauty for Ashes, and our leaders Ashley and McKenzie led a beautiful time of just being still in the Lord’s presence. They asked us some leading questions, and the Lord answered me in some unexpected ways, and I would like to share exactly what He spoke to me in this time:
- Have I slowed myself down to listen to you today?
- Yesterday, but you gave up. Keep pressing in. I have so much to tell you and so many promises for you and the only way you will get to see hem is by spending time with me. You have n amazing opportunity this month; don’t let it go tot waste. Let me be at the center of it. I want to be with you and walk with you, and I know you want that, too. Keep pressing in. I am always here.
- What in my life might be keeping me from seeking your stillness?
- Music. Just listen for my voice and nothing else. Let me speak on my own terms and sacrifice that this month. Press into the desires and needs of your team by giving that up.
*Lord, what will that look like for worship?
- Ask your teammates to help you. Only use music to glorify me.
- Music is your comfort zone; sacrifice that for me
WOOF! As if I hadn’t already felt convicted enough!
I knew this was what the Lord was asking me to do, but I wanted to use my position in worship as an excuse, but after seeing what God did with our obedience and surrender in Rwanda, I wanted to trust that He would bring fruit from this. As I was asking the Lord what exactly He wanted me to fast, since music in general is pretty broad, He reminded me of the crusade and losing my voice, and I felt Him asking me to fast singing for the whole month of Uganda for a couple of reasons:
- To press into my team in different ways
- To lay down my pride for His sake
- To make room for the Spirit to move in me in new ways
At first, I felt like this was going to be impossible, which, of course, revealed the true place it had in my heart, but the day before we left for ministry, I felt a lot of peace about it. Our team was going into an “Ask The Lord” month, which means we don’t have a set ministry, but every day we ask the Lord what He wants us to do, and we do it. Because of this, I had faith that God was going to use this fast to press into Him even more during this month when we are solely relying on Him for direction.
Now, when I’ve done fasts in the past, I felt really convicted about not making them a big deal. I would tell our hosts I was fasting, but not anyone else unless they asked or it was necessary, and that’s how I felt about this fast. Since part of it was for pride, I didn’t want to seem like a martyr and make a big show of this difficult thing I was going to give up, so I told a few people and no one else. I did not feel peace about sharing it with my team. I just wanted to do it between me and God and out of that overflow, press into my team more. However, now the Lord is telling me that in order to seek true unity in my team, I need to be transparent about what He is teaching me, and be vulnerable about the reason why. It’s going to be humbling for sure, but I’m going to trust the Lord with this. Even if it feels humiliating to share this much detail about what God is working in me, I’m going to nail it to the cross for all to see, knowing that God will bring restoration and healing.
