Every Wednesday, a group of us goes out to what is called “Aqua Panela”. In Colombia culture, Aqua Panela is literally sugar water, and it is typically consumed with some bread or a small snack right before bed at about 8 or 9pm. In this case, we go out and give water and bread to homeless people on the streets.
The first time I did it, I was a little glossed over. There was so much going on I kinda just had to stand there and take it in, so I wanted to give myself a do over. The second night, we went to a park in the city that is known for having a lot of witchcraft. I wasn’t particularly intimidated by this. I knew people in college who practiced witchcraft and they were never scary and weird like people make them out to be. I prayed the whole walk down for protection, and when we got there, I was feeling alright. Still intimidated, since I am not a natural evangelist, but I felt more prepared this time. We walked around with Valerie, who was our translator from our squad, Shelby, and one of the German interns who has been living here for 6 months named Josh.
We walked around the park and spoke to a couple different people. First an older man and his mother, but his mother got distracted by a fight between a few girls towards the end of the park. We then talked to a 14 year old boy, but in the middle of talking to him, some of his “friends” came over and tried to steal his food, so we stayed with him so he could eat his food safely. We then spoke with a transgender woman, and then another woman sitting on a park bench alone. At first, she was stand-off ish, but then she very quickly started to warm up to us and let us sit with her on the bench. She wanted us to pray for her family’s health. In fact, everyone we prayed for asked us to pray for their family’s health.
It was then almost time to go, and before we left, a man approached me and was asking us where we were from. Instantly I got a bad feeling from this guy, but he wasn’t really doing anything wrong. He asked me when the service was, when he could come, where we were staying and if he could come with us. Then, some of the Colombians were telling us to get away from them because the guy in our group was gone and it was just girls and this group of guys that this man had come from. I listened and left that group, but I still had a very strange feeling. I felt like this guy had a bad alterior motive, and he didn’t really want to come to church.
I couldn’t shake this feeling, and a couple squad mates prayed for me, and it helped a little, but it quickly shifted from fearing this man to fear in general. When we drove back my mind quickly filled with doubts and anxieties. I started questioning my faith, why I was doing what I was doing, how I was even so sure God was real, and if he was real, if he was good. Some people on our squad said to watch out for curses because, even though the enemy is defeated, curses are still very real, so maybe it was that. I’m not really sure. Several times after we got back people prayed for evil spirits to leave us, but I still felt the darkness. I broke down crying for no reason at all. Very suddenly, nothing made sense.
Then, my good friend Joseph came to me and asked me what was wrong, and I felt mute. I didn’t know how to explain what was in my mind, but it just felt far from God, so that’s what I said. He then started to speak truth and light over me, to try and dispel the darkness, saying that we are never far from God. God is always with us, sometimes we just have our eyes closed. I just felt so discouraged that I whispered to him “I’m not strong enough”, so which he replied, “No, you’re not. But God is.”
Wow. That changed everything.
This is not the first time I have been attacked with lies of not being good enough or not feeling worthy, and for some reason, I always put the weight on myself. I would always say I need to work harder or have a thicker skin, and when that wouldn’t work, I would feel like it was my fault that I kept feeling unworthy. Sometimes people would encourage me with iterations of what Joseph told me that night, but for some reason, that was the truth that cast out the darkness in that moment.
Because what a blessing it is what we aren’t strong enough!!
Where we are weak, God will give us strength, and the only way we know the true power of God is because of this. Nothing we are doing right now would be possible if we were just operating in our flesh. It is only because of the Holy Spirit that dwells in us that makes the ministry we have done so far possible. God has grand and glorious plans that He is inviting us into every day, knowing full well that we are flawed and that we have sinned, but He fills us with His blessings anyway! When we are willing to do His work, His blessings overflow within us. This is why God is so good! We can lean on Him anytime we need someone to talk to. He is our comfort when we are feeling alone, and He is our strength when we are not strong enough.
A verse that Joseph gave me that night was Matthew 5:3-11, which is the beatitudes.
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” and so on an so forth, Jesus speaks of the promises that when we feel less than enough, God will still bless us. This week we have spent a lot of time sharing testimonies, and the power of testimonies is showing the extent of a person’s brokenness, and how God restored them and filled their lives with His blessing when they decided to follow Him.
God is a God of restoration and redemption. It is because He loves us so much that He sent His son to die for us so that He could give us strength in our sins. God is loving and almighty and He is a life raft in the crazy ocean of life, keeping us safe and unharmed as storms rage around us. God kingdom has open doors, and anyone is welcome in, and if they choose to stay, they will be given strength beyond anything they could imagine. God is so good, and that is a fact.
