Selfishness. Entitlement. Two ugly, sneaky words. Words that I desperately wish could be used to describe something or someone else. Unfortunately, two words that can be used to portray me, myself, and I.
Now, considering I dedicated a year of my life to serve the Lord and share His love with people all around the world, many of you reading this might not consider me selfish. And that’s where it gets tricky. You see, selfishness hides behind façades and manifests itself in unusual ways, many times without being diagnosed at first. It’s only after realizing that your symptoms of dissatisfaction and emptiness are a result of selfishness and entitlement, can you be treated with a heavy dose of repentance and grace.
I diagnosed myself about ten days after landing in Ethiopia.
Let’s back up a little. To the summer after my freshman year of college. That summer, I went to Ethiopia for the first time on a mission trip where we taught in local schools, volunteered at a baby home, and trained our ministry partner in all things Microsoft Office. It was unequivocally the most profound time in my walk with the Lord until that point. And it cultivated a love and enchantment of Africa that led to another summer mission trip, a passion for social justice, and a minor in African Studies in college.
So, since the beginning of the World Race, I have been exceedingly eager for Africa and had high expectations of how the Lord would move in my heart and the hearts of the locals while here. However, when the plane landed in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia I let the disease of selfishness get in the way.
Day ten, the Lord revealed to me that I had been entitled and concerned more about getting something out of Ethiopia than fully investing in what the Lord prepared for us to do. In my head, I had personal expectations, ambitions, ideas, and ministry opportunities that I thought would be best. Instead of being grateful for the immense hospitality we experienced, the mesmerizing relationships we built, the coffee ceremonies we partook in, the worship we danced and sang to, and the gospel we proclaimed, I found myself wishing for something else and made it all about me. (By the way, I encourage y’all to read more about God’s provision this month in my teammates’ blogs.)
The Lord used my own words to diagnose the issue. I wrote this last month in Bulgaria. It’s a daily surrender, one that has to be made over and over again.
Tasting true, abundant life as Jesus promises us (John 10:10), starts by emptying. Starts by laying down your expectations, your fears, your plans, your goals at the cross. And picking up Jesus’ story for you. I promise it’s better. I’ve been on either side, trying to fight for the life I think I want – either crumbling or succeeding, but always I’m ultimately dissatisfying. Surrendered obedience to His will leads to living with PURE satisfaction doing His will. We hold on tightly, not understanding that life is found when we release. There’s a reason why I didn’t stay in the Accounting program at UT. There’s a reason why I didn’t get the internships I wanted or made the friends I wanted. God, knows better, He knows what’s BEST for my life. And I can either fight upstream, or ride the current, understanding and trusting that He’s got me.
Why do we try to do things our way and think we are entitled to those? Why do we substitute pure, abundant life the Lord offers for a cheap, shallow life. We will never be satisfied living for ourselves. Because that’s not how the Lord designed us. He designed us to die, so that we can fully live, which is being radically obedient to Him. And fully embracing the Lord’s will in the both the seemingly microscopic or monumental moments, I am freed up to live with a wildly faithful and free heart – which has cultivated a beautiful last few days in Ethiopia for me.
P.S: Keep an eye out for another blog on how I gave my key away!!
