Is this what an attack feels like?
So all my life I have heard, read, seen, and prayed against spiritual attacks. Through this whole process of applying for the World Race and getting accepted to now actually going on it—the devil has been on the prowl. Even before stepping foot on the plane to launch, I knew the enemy was going to attack (since you know, I’m going on a mission trip and all) so I asked for bold prayers from my friends and family.
–>so back it up a little <–
I had been going through a specific struggle since I applied about a year ago, and my prayers have looked a lot like psalm 86: “Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer; listen to my cry for mercy.” I would recite the whole psalm sometimes and cry out this prayer as if it were my very own. I have been striving to fight this for good. I would even face the problem and say, “I won’t give up until this is resolved.” I knew I had to surrender all I was holding onto inside me and give it up to the Lord, but my soul wanted to find answers; find solutions; to cry out until all tears were gone. Finally, the Race was drawing closer. I managed to convince myself that I can’t be thinking about myself anymore and just focus on what to be thankful for. I was also just super pumped to finally be starting this journey.
So much wiggle room for that devil, man….
Now here I am in South Africa; the bottom of the world as I know it and it has hit me straight in the face; no avoiding hidden hurts on this trip. We are firing on all cylinders. Everything is 100% on this team and at this ministry here in Bloemfontein, but because I have this pain deep inside me it’s keeping me from being all here. The joy I do have and the love I have to offer living with this team of 6 is only from God living in me. I give Him all the credit for sure. But, internally, I cry out psalm 86. I consume myself with His word and cling to 1 John’s message of loving others. And I am desperately asking the Lord to take this fight…. Now what?
“This butterfly wants to fly again. Will you step down to mend this broken wing? Am I still on the radar? You are love, yes. You are close to the broken-hearted, yes. You answer when I call, yes. Where are the results? Where are your answers? Please draw near and allow these wings to soar.”
I could go on and on about how a piece of me feels out of place and how I am under attack. But I would rather REJOICE in the fact that the devil has already had its head crushed! I am a beloved daughter. My God is with me in this battle. He disciplines those He loves to strengthen and affirm them towards righteousness. In Hebrews 12 it says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
I have full confidence that my God hears me and will answer me. I have the hope that will purify my soul. I have branches that need pruning. And it hurts at times, but He is mending my broken wing. I already know I will be flying even higher soon. I will hold onto this hope that never fails.
