I Forgive You.

I have had different types of abuse from different men in my life and that led to a lot of mistrust with all men. I had it in my head that all men were horrible and just wanted to use you for what they wanted to then throw you aside after. I struggled for a long time with trusting that a man in my life was not going to hurt me like I had been in the past.

 

Through out my life growing up, there were many times of me being bullied from boys in my classes in school. I would come home from school with bruises on my body, scratches, even one time being trapped on a school bus with my friend. There were even moments of boys in school asking me out and it not being real it was just a huge joke.

 

When I was about 12 years old something happened to me that should never happen to anyone! I was sexually molested by someone who my family and I trusted. Now I am not going to get into the details of what happened or who was involved. Long story short nothing happened with “justice”. After that happened I went to counseling and tried to heal from that. I had made progress in that. 

 

Again in high school, I was assaulted again by a boyfriend. I was in a relationship with him and it started out as a good relationship (or so I thought). But no it was an abusive relationship on every level possible. He made me feel like I couldn’t be me and I couldn’t have my own thoughts. I was constantly berated, my thoughts were shut down, physical abuse at times. Any form of abuse that could happen did with him. I felt absolutely terrible about myself in every way. 

 

These experiences had an impact of how I saw myself, how I thought other saw me; even how I thought the Lord saw me. In my head I was a worthless piece of crap that was only good for men to use me for what they wanted and then would throw away. I didn’t see my worth. I believed every lie the enemy threw my way. 

 

While being on the race I have really dived into forgiveness, love for myself, and learning about Papa; who He is and how He sees me. I have really grasped and know who I am! I have found so much healing from the abuse I have gone through. 

 

In Chile, my squad leader Hana Beth walked me through Inner Healing. This is a very exhausting, emotional but so worth the  process. Inner Healing is allowing Holy Spirit to speak and show you healing. You invite Holy Spirit into the space, you talk about the specifics hurt you are seeking healing from and then ask Holy Spirit where the Lord was during those times and to speak to you what He wants to. You combat every lie that the enemy spoke over you with truth that Papa speaks over you. 

 

This jump started my journey with Papa over the course of this year of rediscovering who I am, how loved I am, and healing the brokenness. I am still learning and growing but I have come a long way. While I was in Bulgaria I had a moment that brought me back to being with one of my abusers and my team mate Cristina helped me walk through this and seek Papa. I am so thankful for all of the healing I have found in the last 9 months from all the past hurts.

 

The Lord is so good and redeems all things. Even before leaving 9 months ago the Lord was working on me. I never thought I would have good guy friends and now some of my great friends at home are men. The Lord has put wonderful Godly men in my life to show  me and redeem the thought I had about men all being the same. Even with then men on my squad. They have helped me grow in learning to trust men again. I will forever be thankful for the men on my squad for helping me see men in a new light. 

 

For the first time in Bulgaria I forgave the men who hurt me. Now I know that I am not their judge nor do I want to be, that is the Lords job. I never received an apology from any of the men who hurt me, I never will and that is okay. We do not need to receive an apology to forgive people who have hurt us. I am not saying that what happened to me is okay, but I am saying I will no longer be held by the weight, or defined by any of it. 

 

In October before launching to Chile each Racer was given a key with a word on it that leadership had prayed over. My word was LOVE. This year has been a journey of asking, seeking and learning what that meant. As a believer I am called to LOVE. I am choosing to Love the people that have hurt me. I love myself for the first time in my life and I love because Jesus loved me. Jesus loved me so much that He came down from heaven, lived a life full of love and died the most brutal death because of my sin. I am no longer defined by what happened to me, I am defined by what was done for me. The ultimate act of LOVE.  

 

1 John 4:11-12 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but is we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us. 

 

John 15:9 As the Father has loved me, so have I love you. Abide in Love.

 

Ephesians 5:2 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 

 

Dear ____, 

 

I forgive you. 

 

Love, 

Jenny Marie Kordelski