I have been in Costa Rica for about a week now and I AM LOVING IT. Z squad is adventurous, bold, courageous, kind, and open. I can not wait to dive in deeper with them and get to know them all on a deeper level. So far I have arrived, settled in, had a couple adventure days, a couple sabbath days and about a week of ministry. All in all the transition into life here has felt normal, right, and comfortable. Three words I was not expecting because the only word I could come up with for the transition when I was in the states was weird.
The other night we were worshiping as a squad and I was brought to my knees sobbing. The song “Who you say I am” came on and the Lord reminded me that no matter what role, or country I am in, I am still his child. I am always his child. He loves me right where I am at, and that was the reminder I needed to be able to move forward with an open heart. I have been struggling to allow myself to feel in the midst of all the transitions. And that was holding me back from truly engaging with my new squad. I was allowing my grief/processing of N squad and the past 11 months control the way I was approaching Z squad and the coming 9 months, and I realized that was unfair. So when the song started the Lord allowed the floodgates of my emotions to take over and it was so vulnerable, yet so good.
Going from living with 23 humans who I had come to know as family, to transitioning back into the states, and then back out to the field again has been quite the roller coaster. I have had some really great days and I have had some really, really hard days. I would say the hardest part was being home in the states and feeling so out of place. I no longer felt comfortable in the places that once held such a source of comfort. It was weird. For a majority of my time in the states, I had a hard time figuring out why I felt so weird. And yet weird was the only word I could use to describe my thoughts and feelings. I realize now that I was not allowing myself to actually feel the depths of what I was feeling which is why weird was the only word I could use.
Now that I have been slightly removed from my time in the states I can see that I felt out of place, and uncomfortable. I was grieving the fact that I had to leave my community, and was upset that I had to turn around so quickly to head back out to meet my new community. During that time I found it incredibly hard to connect with the Lord because I was allowing the busyness of the transition take over. I was not carving out room for the Lord to speak to me about any of it; I was running from Him. The thought of missing my flight and staying was real and would pop into my head often. But thankfully I knew in the pit of my stomach and deep in my bones that I had to leave. The Lord is not done refining me. I only needed to be obedient to go.
So as I sit here writing the blog I am realizing that this is exactly where I am supposed to be. I still don’t know exactly what all my responsibilities are, but what I do know is that I can trust that the Lord has me exactly where I am supposed to be. He has me here to make the most impact for his kingdom right here in the now. He has me here to continue refining me, and growing me into the human He knows I can be. He also has me her to come alongside and learn with the humans of Z squad. And I can’t wait to see all He does!
